Editor’s Note: Kara Alaimo is an associate professor of communications at Fairleigh Dickinson University. Her book “Influence: Social media is toxic to women and girls – and how we can get it back” was published in 2024 by Alcove Press. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook and Bluesky.
When Jerry Groff’s 14-year-old daughter, Sarah, said she wanted to swim the nine-mile lake one Sunday morning, he could have responded in several ways. This idea is crazy and even dangerous. You need to practice swimming more first. There are already other plans.
Instead, Jerry and his son swam and boat next to Sarah. And Jerry’s wife, brother and sister-in-law drove along the lake in case Sarah had to go home. Susan Dominus wrote in his newly released book, The Family Dynamic: A Groneing to the Mystery of Sibling Success.
Sarah swam the entire lake and set a town record that day.
Today, Sarah True is a two-time professional athlete at the Olympian. Her brother, Adam Groff, is a successful entrepreneur. And her sister, Lauren Groff, is a praised novelist.
According to Dominus, a magazine staff writer for the New York Times, who interviewed six families for the book, parents who fostered independence were a common theme.
These parents “were not afraid to let our children fail something that seemed really difficult,” she said. “They let their kids make their choices, even if they know that those choices are difficult.”
It is just one of the lessons parents and guardians can take to raise successful children from her research.
Parent Dominus generally supported the children’s dreams, but did not microcontrol the child’s progress.
“One of these families was not a parent who was overly involved in their children’s educational life,” she said. “They were paying attention, they were supportive, they were there.” But when they showed up at the kids’ games, they refused to tell the coach how to do their job.
Instead, parents said their focus is primarily on providing a warm and supportive home and ensuring that teachers, coaches and other mentors can handle the instruction and discipline of their children.
In part, adults were not “covered” as powerful examples as they were busy, worked hard and contributed to the community. In general, whether they were working outside or inside the house, they were “in a role they felt meaningful,” Dominus said.
While raising her child in Florida in the 1950s, another parent, Millicent Holyfield, persuaded the state to create nursing schools for black women. One of her children, Marilyn Holyfield, chose to become one of the first students to separate high school in the early ’60s, becoming the local civic leader and first black female partner at a major Florida law firm. As a Harvard Law School student, Millicent’s son Bishop fought for changes to promote racial equity in the school, and later convinced Florida to reopen Florida A&M Law School, which could lead to more black lawyers being trained. Another son, Ed, became a cardiologist and public health advocate.
These driven parents conveyed the belief that their children could conquer the world as well. “There was an incredible optimism among many of these families,” Dominus said. “It’s one thing to say that. But your child knows whether you feel it or not, and their own life has given them a reason for optimism.”
That’s because many of those parents have overcome the difficulties or “surprised themselves or even surprised social expectations.”
Another common theme was to value education, be curious and open to new experiences such as travel, art, and music.
To have those experiences, very successful sibling parents were needed to find the right place and people. They tended to have literally figuratively supportive villages.
“They didn’t just live in neighborhoods that offered a lot of enrichment,” Dominus said. “They made great use of it.”
Holyfield lives near Tallahassee University and made the most of it by taking children to local cultural events and registering for art lessons, children’s theatres and journalism workshops.
Other parents worked to connect their children to successful people who could teach them skills. Ying Chen moved to the US from China and worked seven days a week at a family restaurant and was not fluent in English, but she developed a relationship with skilled local musicians she met so that her children could learn to play instruments.
Her son Yi has become the fifth employee of Toast, the restaurant management business that has published the biggest IPO in Boston’s history. Chen’s son gang joined Speak, another well-known startup that uses AI to help people learn the language. Her daughter, Elizabeth, became a doctor. And her son Devon continued to work for Amazon.
Of course, we don’t all need to develop CEOs or Olympic athletes. Dominus discovered in book research Dominus often has less time for people who put so much energy into one pursuit to invest in other aspects of their lives. “To achieve something really great, you need sacrifices. It can be in love. It lies in the quality of your relationships. It can be reassuring, it can be downtime, and it can be remorseful,” she said.
If children set a very ambitious goal for themselves, it is a good idea to “remind that there are costs associated with it.”
While parents and guardians are often worried about whether they are making the right decisions about whether or not they are punishing their children while they are sleeping, Dominus said, “These variations have less impact on personality and other types of outcomes than we actually imagined.”
Instead, focusing on having a strong relationship with your child, Dominus, the most important, said, “Don’t motivate your child by being overly involved.”
The parents Dominus, profiled, told their children they had to swim the lake, but the kind they had to give them a shot when they wanted.
Inspired by the weekly roundups on living well, which have become simple. Sign up CNN’s Life, But Better Newsletter About information and tools designed to improve your well-being.