How much of “me” is it actually okay to bring to work?
This is a frequently asked question, and many employees return to it time and time again. After all, as lives change, so do people.
It’s a difficult balance. Most workers want to feel authentic without spending their days playing themselves. At the same time, there is a line between openness, oversharing, professionalism, and discomfort. Navigating that space isn’t always the easiest.
A sense of tension is important. According to BetterUp, a professional training and coaching platform, employees who reported a strong sense of belonging at work performed 56% better at work, had a 50% lower risk of turnover, and took 75% fewer sick days.
Understanding how to successfully strike that balance starts with the basics of workplace behavior.
Do’s and don’ts of behavior at work
A harmonious workplace is not simply defined by everyone acting the same way. Instead, it is shaped by how individuals contribute to the shared environment, including through communication, professional boundaries, and respect for each other’s lived experiences.
Alison Campbell, a former chief of staff and current burnout researcher, says that “workplaces are ecosystems of people,” and those ecosystems only work well when there is alignment in trust and behavior, as well as publicly stated values. “It’s behavioral. It’s not just values written on the wall,” she says.
Importantly, that culture is defined from the top down. “Are your leaders modeling that you have to work 24 hours a day, that you have to sign in to take calls during your vacation, or that you can take breaks?” asks Campbell.
When leaders model healthy workplace boundaries, realistic expectations, and respect for life outside of work, they communicate to employees that these behaviors are not only acceptable but expected. If you don’t, employees often default to defensiveness rather than openness.
From there, day-to-day behavior in the workplace becomes most evident, including what people choose to share, how they communicate, and where they set boundaries.
sharing from personal life
Trust plays a big role in what feels appropriate and what feels safe when sharing aspects of your personal life at work. It can be intimidating to talk about your parenting responsibilities, such as caring for your child or needing to leave temporarily to pick up your child from school.
As Campbell points out, “It can feel vulnerable and scary to have to set parameters and say you have other commitments.” Employees begin to worry that this shows they’re not giving their all.
As a solution, managers need to create an open space by actively inviting employees to share what’s going on in their lives. On the other hand, employees also need to realize that leaders cannot adjust workloads and expectations without knowing what employees need.
Without that communication, “it’s hard for managers to really understand how to coordinate work in a meaningful way,” Campbell says.
To joke or not to joke?
Still, even in relaxed work environments, there are often unspoken professional boundaries about what’s appropriate to share and joke about. Even if workplace communication and casual conversations feel safe, employees should still exercise caution.
Campbell said employees should generally “use caution” when sharing memes, viral content and jokes, especially those pulled from social media. “I never want to put myself in a position where it seems unprofessional or, more importantly, offensive to someone else.”
In most workplaces, humor is most effective when it’s situational, light-hearted, and inclusive, rather than targeted at specific people or identities.
Preti DiMello, an organizational psychologist and co-founder and president of the Fulfillment Institute, says, “The idea of humor is not to bring someone down, but to uplift them.” Instead, we need to create a connection where no one feels targeted and no one feels like they’re the center of attention.
read the room
Reading the room has always been an important skill in the workplace, but it can feel difficult when your team is remote or you don’t yet know your colleagues well.
Campbell describes it as a type of emotional intelligence. This means being able to tune into people’s reactions and control their emotions. It’s easier if your team has trust and relationships where people can pick up on “unspoken cues and cues.”
DiMello added that reading a room is ultimately about “being human, picking up energy,” including the subtle dynamics of how people interact.
“There’s an energy floating between us,” DiMello says, explaining how people can feel attuned, or disconnected, even in a remote or hybrid environment. That awareness allows people to miss subtle cues and conduct conversations more thoughtfully and with “graceful flow,” she added.
Soft skills vs AI: Why empathy, communication and teamwork are important in the workplace
There are various types of people in the workplace
Workplaces often include a variety of personalities, from joke tellers to hired personalities to workplace parents, each with different strengths and ways of bringing them to bear in daily interactions.
jokester
As DiMello describes it, a jokester is someone whose humor is more focused on getting attention than building common connections. “Jokesters cross boundaries so easily,” she says, while “humor knows boundaries” and “knows how far it can go (and) how far it can’t go.”
parents at work
Parents in the workplace may also reflect similar role dynamics at work. DiMello said this could include people “trying to establish self-worth and gain attention by becoming caregivers at work,” adding that while “our human nature demands that we look out for each other,” that doesn’t mean they “start parenting others at work.”
Personality recruitment
Next, when it comes to hiring personalities, DiMello says he understands the appeal.
“I like the idea of hiring people for their personalities, rather than downplaying their skills and abilities,” she says, noting that while technical skills are important, the workplace also requires social skills and the ability to maintain complexity and engage with different perspectives.
At the end of the day, being yourself at work isn’t about fitting into a single type, it’s about finding balance. The most effective teams tend to cluster somewhere in between. Individuality, support and presence are welcomed there, but combined with recognition, boundaries and a common focus on how work is actually done.
more: 3 reasons why “culture fit” hiring backfires on innovation (and what to do instead)
Why is it important to be yourself?
When employees can be their authentic selves at work, they can have a meaningful impact on their daily work experience.
“Maintaining this facade can be exhausting,” Campbell noted, noting that constantly maintaining a polished work persona can take a toll over time.
“We’re not robots. We’re humans,” she says.
After all, being honest about your work will not only make your team feel better, it will also function better.
What to do if you don’t feel accepted by your colleagues
Feeling out of place at work can lead to feelings of isolation, especially when differences in background, identity, and perspective shape daily interactions.
When working through a disagreement with a coworker, Campbell suggests steering the conversation back to the work itself, rather than assuming personal tension. “How do we do this in terms of our work?” she asked, whether that meant using data, clarifying the business case, or broadening your horizons before making decisions.
In more difficult situations, Campbell advises thinking carefully about the situation, relationships, and safety before responding. She says that while addressing the issue directly can be effective, it can also be risky depending on the dynamics, so it’s important to consider “who in your network can you trust to discuss this issue first” when deciding how to proceed.
DiMello added that sometimes naming what’s going on can help reset the situation. If you feel ignored in a conversation, she says, speak up and say:
She also talks about using direct openness to bridge communication gaps. “If you have trouble understanding what I’m saying because of my accent, feel free to say it again,” he frames it as a way to “open doors and build bridges” so both parties can interact more easily.
After all, inconsistencies at work can accumulate over time, Campbell added. When employees consistently feel out of sync with their team’s values and leadership approach, they can become exhausted and lead to burnout.
She added that at the heart of being yourself at work is balance: showing up as you are while maintaining boundaries that protect your health and keep collaboration intact.
