July marks one year since devastating flash floods ripped through central Texas on Independence Day, killing at least 139 people. Among the victims were dozens of children, including a young girl, at Camp Mystic, a summer camp along the Guadalupe River. As that solemn day approached, I heard a familiar message. This is the message I have encountered every time a collective tragedy occurs in my 25 years of working with bereaved families and communities. After a year, it’s time to move on, embrace the “new normal,” and celebrate how far our community has come.
While the urge to forget a tragedy is understandable, grief does not follow a calendar. In fact, the first year is often the most difficult for bereaved families, as it is when they begin to realize the reality and permanence of their loss.
We tend to call this milestone an “anniversary,” but this term is neither useful nor accurate. For many families directly affected by the Central Texas floods, this is a particularly painful reminder of the people and things they have lost, not a reason for celebration or a moment to declare that the hard labor of grief is over. That’s why I prefer another word for days like this: Memorial Day. A day to honor our love for those who have passed away, to reflect on the impact they had on our lives, and to think about how to carry on their memory.
In that spirit, as we approach the one-year anniversary of the tragedy, here are five ways to actively support those who may be grieving.
please say their name
Well-meaning friends and co-workers often avoid mentioning the deceased for fear that it will cause even more pain. In my many years of working with bereaved families and communities, I have seen the opposite to be true. Knowing that others are also thinking about their loved one can be incredibly compelling to a person who is grieving. Don’t be afraid to say your loved one’s name, tell them how much you miss them, or simply acknowledge that you’re thinking of them.
share happy memories
One of the most powerful things you can do for someone who is grieving is to let them know that they are not forgotten. Bereaved families often said that hearing memories of the deceased from others was deeply comforting. Share happy memories with your loved ones. Let the grieving person know that their loved one still matters to those around them.
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Take action – don’t ask
In the aftermath of a loss, grievers are often overwhelmed and may not know what they need, much less how to ask for it. The most helpful thing you can do is not ask, “How can I help?” – but simply do something. Mow their lawn. Drop your meal. Offer to watch the kids in the afternoon. Do their laundry. Small, tangible acts of kindness can mean more to a grieving person than words alone, and they can ease the burden of having to ask for help.
It’s okay if they’re not okay
One of the most common mistakes that well-meaning people make is trying to find the right words to make the grieving person feel better. But you don’t have to fix your sadness. It needs to be witnessed. You don’t have to say it perfectly. Sit with them. listen. If you want to cry, let me cry. Just being there and witnessing their pain is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer someone who is grieving.
Don’t impose a timeline on their grief.
Grief does not follow in a straight line. Also, just because a year has passed doesn’t mean someone is done grieving or that they need to be done grieving. Grief waxes and wanes over time, and at the end of a year, the bereaved’s reactions may be very different from how they felt six months ago, and may be different again next year. That’s completely normal. The most supportive thing you can do is be available without pressure and let them know you’re there whether they want to talk or just hang out.
Recognize signs that someone may need more support
Grief is a natural reaction to the death of a loved one, but sometimes the bereaved need support beyond friends and family. As the year approaches, keep an eye out for these signs that someone in your life might benefit from professional help.
- Expressing a desire to die or harm oneself.
- Extended withdrawal from friends, family, and daily life.
- Numbness or inability to experience emotions.
- Inability to get out of bed or perform daily responsibilities.
- Engage in dangerous activities, including drug abuse.
If you notice any of these signs, gently encourage them to see a mental health professional. You can also encourage people to call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, which provides free, confidential support 24/7.
Dr. Julie Kaprow is executive director of the Trauma and Grief Center at the Meadows Institute for Mental Health Policy and professor of psychiatry at Tulane University.
