How to make friends and maintain friendships
Use these tips to maintain meaningful friendships in this digital age.
self improvement, self improvement
“I need to talk to you about something. It’s an emergency.”
If you received this message from one of your friends, you may need to worry. If you received it from someone else, it might be a different Tuesday.
For friends who fall into the latter category, TikTok has a term called “crisis friends.”
There’s a huge friendship debate going on online, about friends who only reach out when they’re in a crisis. According to TikTokers, you know you’re dealing with a friend in crisis when a large portion, or sometimes the entirety, of your interaction involves supporting, comforting, or helping your friend through further crisis.
Some TikTokers have harsh words for so-called “friends in crisis.”
“You can’t remain friends with a friend in crisis,” one TikToker said in a video that has been viewed more than 2 million times. “Those people always have to be in a state of crisis, because that’s the only way they can benefit from your sympathy.”
According to mental health and friendship experts, the topic of “friends in crisis” is complex and requires nuance (not something social media has historically been known for). Yes, some toxic friendships are certainly one-sided. You need to be aware of them and evaluate whether this is a relationship worth maintaining. But in any friendship, there always comes a time when someone is in a real crisis and needs support.
Knowing the difference between a friend in crisis and a friend in crisis is the key to being a good friend.
“A crisis friend is someone who essentially always feels like they’re in a crisis, and only reaches out to them when they’re in a crisis,” says Shasta Nelson, a social relationships expert and author of The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time. “And often there is also what I call a ‘season of crisis.’ And I like to separate the two, because we all go through seasons of crisis, where terrible things happen, where we experience loss and grief.”
Are they “friends in crisis” or friends in crisis?
Most people probably know what it’s like to have a friend who seems to be living in eternal crisis. If you’re a good listener and empathetic, your friend will probably be more likely to talk to you about their problems.
“You may be good at being an active listener, caring, and empathetic,” says psychotherapist Stephanie Serkis. “Where it gets to the point where it consumes you is when you feel like you only call in times of crisis.”
Nelson says healthy friendships rely on reciprocity, where both parties support each other through difficult times and share victories and hardships equally.
But this temporary imbalance in reciprocity is not a bad thing, she added. In fact, that’s to be expected in long-term friendships. The key is to view these periods of imbalance in the context of the friendship as a whole.
“If you can basically look at the bank accounts of the people involved, you can gauge the health of the relationship,” Nelson says. “One of the things that’s really important is that if you have a friendship where you’ve made enough savings, so to speak, you can handle that withdrawal season because your ratios are under control and you’re not in debt.”
Another important thing to consider about “friends in crisis” is that people generally have fewer friends. Nelson said that with loneliness on the rise, people simply have fewer loved ones to turn to in times of crisis, which can lead them to turn to their few friends more often for support.
“We’re working in a culture that tends to be solitary, and most of us expect from a few friends what we once expected from that village,” she says.
Do you have a friend in crisis? what to do here
But if you’re struggling with a relationship with a friend in crisis, or if you’re worried that you might be one, here are some tips from the experts.
- seek reciprocity: “We do this in relationships,” says Nelson. “For example, if we’re feeling overwhelmed with household chores, we expect that we’ll say to our partner, ‘I feel like it’s just too overwhelming and I need some help.’ And we’ve had those conversations, negotiated back and forth, and tried to find a place where we both feel like that’s possible. So we can practice that a little bit more with our friends.”
- Thank you for your support friends: “Even in times of crisis, we can express gratitude,” Nelson says. “We can show curiosity towards the other person and still find a way to love the other person.”
- Reframe the conversation away from the crisis. “Try changing your focus,” Serkis says. “Ask the person to do something for you or invite them out for coffee. See if they want to spend time together.”
- Don’t expect your friends to be perfect. “There are a lot of people who say, ‘I don’t do theater,'” Nelson says. “We don’t have to look for drama, but there is no such thing as a meaningful, safe, close friendship without disappointment, unmet expectations, or history. And we all have drama in our lives.”
