Kim Humphrey’s proudest moment as a father wasn’t when his son passed a test, got married or became a father himself.
That was the day my son turned himself in to the police.
Humphrey said that day was the day she got her son back after a 10-year battle with addiction. He remembers sitting in court and watching his son face the judge and take responsibility for how his life had fallen apart since he started taking opioids.
In that moment, Humphrey said she felt her son was “the kind of person I thought he could be, a man who would do the right thing, and that’s what he did.”
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, more than 48 million people ages 12 and older in the United States have a substance use disorder. Families of people with this disorder face grief, stress, and guilt as they watch their loved one suffer, and may sometimes refuse help. Emotional pain can feel insurmountable, especially for parents. That emotion is often heightened during holidays, which usually involve family gatherings.
It’s not your imagination. Raising children is becoming increasingly difficult. The reason is as follows
Holidays like Father’s Day can be difficult because they’re a “reminder that things aren’t going the way you expected,” said Pat Ausem, vice president of consumer clinical content development at Partnership to End Addiction. For many families, the road to recovery is non-linear.
“Even when it seems like you’re making progress, setbacks can come suddenly,” Orsem said, adding that it’s important for parents to take care of themselves as well. “So many parents put their own mental health and physical health on the back burner. And it’s really hard to show up and be a really great parent when there’s nothing left in the well, so to speak.”
Humphrey knows this all too well, as he has two sons with the disorder. At the height of his despair, he and his wife discovered Parents of Addicted Loved Ones, an Arizona nonprofit that provides resources to struggling parents. Mr. Humphrey currently serves as the organization’s CEO and executive director.
But more importantly, he’s a proud grandfather.
“We thought they were going to die, that they were going to go to jail, that they would never see anything like their grandson,” Humphrey said. “Father’s Day is approaching today. What do you think? Everyone is coming.”
“I’ve done everything I can to resolve this and it’s not working.”
Humphrey said her oldest son, Sean Humphrey, had struggled with opioid addiction since his early teens. Humphrey and his wife tried for years to get their son help, only to watch as his son’s illness worsened due to methamphetamine and heroin use. The drugs caused devastating psychotic symptoms, and when their son was about 20 years old, the family made the difficult decision to ask Sean to leave their home.
Kim Humphrey said her son had overdosed several times and the only reason she knew about those incidents was because he was still enrolled in common health insurance. For years, every time the phone rang, I would jump, dreading the news that one or both of my sons had passed away.
At one point, Humphrey said, the shock and sadness became too much. “I got so into it that I fell asleep one day and couldn’t get up,” he said. He lay in bed for about a week without eating or speaking, and was eventually taken to the hospital.
“I don’t understand what’s happening to me. All I know is that I want to sleep, because when I sleep, I don’t have to think about this. And when I don’t have to think about this, maybe it will go away,” Humphrey said, reflecting on his mental state at the time. He said he felt “heartbroken.”
“I’m their father,” he said. “I’ve tried everything to resolve this, but nothing works.”
Orsem has seen many parents of people with substance use disorders deal with chronic stress, anxiety, and sleep issues. She has seen these parents put off their health, including necessary surgeries. She encourages parents to seek help, such as support groups, where they can connect with other parents on a similar journey. Other resources are available on the Partnership to End Addiction website.
Orsem said setting boundaries is difficult because parents often want to solve their child’s problems.
“The important thing is that life is often a better teacher than your parents,” she said.
Humphrey worked in law enforcement for more than 30 years, but said his background did little to help his sons.
“I’m sitting there thinking, ‘I can’t believe this happened.’ I don’t know what to do about it,” he said. “Everything we tried – we tried to get him to do things, we tried to get him into treatment programs, we tried to get him to go to counselors, we tried to get him to do what he had to do. He took action, he did things. But he didn’t get better. He got worse.”
get my son back
One Christmas Eve in 2013, the Humphreys received a call from the hospital informing them that Sean Humphrey, then 26, was back in the hospital. It was a nostalgic feeling, as I had received an almost identical call the previous Christmas and rushed to my son’s side.
“Literally the second he got out of there, he was right back in,” Kim Humphrey said. “And we were devastated.”
This time they avoided the hospital and went out for several days. Christmas, like other holidays, “has become something we don’t want to celebrate at home,” Humphrey said.
“While we were driving, we cried along the way,” he said, adding that they assured their son that they still cared about him but understood that there were new boundaries.
Sean Humphrey, now 39, said his parents’ decision not to accompany him to the hospital set him on the road to recovery. “It’s not going to get any cheaper than this,” he thought at the time. Their “hands-off” approach “was the linchpin as things started to change,” he said.
“It sounds very harsh, but it was a really pivotal moment for me. I thought, hey, I’m sitting in this hospital and I don’t have anything,” he said. “I’ve burned (my family) so bad at this point that they have to protect themselves from me.”
She had no contact with her adult son. Now she’s encouraging other parents who are separated.
This isn’t always the best approach, says Orsem. Staying connected and making sure our loved ones know how important we are is so important.
“So many substances are toxic and deadly, especially in today’s world,” she says. “I would argue that connections are really important. That doesn’t mean boundaries aren’t important as well. So I think parents need to make decisions about money, housing, transportation, and other things.”
With more distant support from his parents, Sean Humphrey began receiving the help that ultimately saved his life through treatment centers, sober living communities, and therapy.
And when his condition improved, he and his parents reconnected.
“Initially it was tentative. I think there was a lot of cautious optimism on their part,” he said, adding that relapses are common.
He said he felt guilty and ashamed for the way he treated his family during his illness and felt he had “lost himself for a long time” to his addiction. He began to make amends.
“For the first time, my words actually started to mean something,” he said.
Becoming a grandpa and valuing family time
Sean Humphrey entered a treatment program after that hospitalization and has not used opioids since. While undergoing treatment, he convinced his younger brother to get help as well. Sean Humphrey now works at one of the treatment programs that helped him during his time of need.
Sean Humphrey said he also met the love of his life during his treatment. They have since gotten married and have two children.
Becoming a father has had a huge impact on his worldview, he said.
“You no longer have to be responsible only to yourself,” he said. “You have a little person who needs you for everything.”
He cherishes spending time with his parents and watching them bask in the joy of becoming grandparents.
Father’s Day this year, like most holidays since his sons’ recovery, will bring Kim Humphrey’s family together. There’s nothing better than that, he said.
“For a long time, I really thought I had lost them both,” he said. “And we’re so happy to have them back.”
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
Madeline Mitchell’s role covering women and the care economy for USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.
Contact Madeline at: memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ With X.
