Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” once said: “Never underestimate the importance of body language.”
The cartoon sea witch may not have been a dating expert. But according to real relationship experts, she’s not wrong.
Before dating apps, the only body language daters had to worry about was in real-life interactions, like how you carried yourself during a date or how you approached someone at a bar. Now, experts say there’s much more involved in body language, and that “digital body language” is even more important.
According to Logan Urie, director of relationship science at dating app Hinge, digital body language, or “DBL,” contains “the nonverbal subtext of online conversations.” Think about emojis, punctuation, word choice, message length, and how quickly you respond (or don’t respond).
“During a date, you can read someone’s body language to tell if they’re interested in you,” says Yury. “But when you’re still texting, your date relies on DBL to read between the lines.”
And with budding romances often starting on dating apps, it’s all the more important to keep your digital body language sharp. Digital body language, just like regular body language, conveys a lot of information that you may not be aware of.
“It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it in your text messages that matters,” says Amy Chung, dating coach and author of Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love that Last. “What matters is how long you take to reply, whether you put effort into your message, whether you start your message with a question, or whether you just react to the message. All of this creates subtext, and that subtext is what people use to understand how interested and engaged you are.”
Digital body language can make or break relationships
Humans constantly convey information about themselves nonverbally. That includes how you enter a room, how you carry yourself, and how you make or break eye contact. The sincerity of your laugh and smile. Good or bad, all of them leave an impression.
Digital body language works similarly. Waiting too long for a response often indicates a lack of interest. Replying too quickly can be a sign of desperation. If your message is too short, it shows that you’re not trying hard enough. Sending a text as long as a novel is too much and too fast.
“Most people think about what they say in their messages,” says Chan. “Few people think about how the way they say things, their timing, their use of emojis, and the length of their messages can affect the recipient without them realizing it. For example, a one-word response can send a message of disinterest, even if you’re busy. Taking 48 hours to respond after being clearly active on social media shows that you’re not prioritizing someone else. Always starting with yourself creates an implicit power imbalance and can set a precedent.
Even if we don’t talk about digital body language much, we’re aware of it.
So how can you improve your digital body language?
If you’re not familiar with digital body language, listen up. Here are some tips to make sure your DBL is working for you, not against you.
- Let’s take the first step. “Don’t wait until the other person texts you,” Yury says.
- Please reply sooner rather than later. “When you see a message, respond,” Ury says. “You’re more likely to go on a date that way.”
- Follow up. “Don’t overthink it,” Yury said, adding that contrary to popular belief, most Hinge users don’t care if someone double-texts them. “Send a second message. Don’t let made-up rules stop you from showing someone you’re into them.”
- Tune into their energy. “Think of it like a tennis match,” Chan says. “It’s a back-and-forth affair. You don’t want to be a tennis ball machine, just hitting the ball to show that you want to engage when they don’t even have a racket in hand. The easiest way to tell digitally is to look at the chats you’re having with the person you’re into. If they’re writing five messages for every one they write, that’s a clear sign that you’re throwing too many tennis balls.”
Of course, everyone communicates differently on these apps. Expectations vary. It might be worth talking to your potential partner before thinking too much about their latest message. A mental health professional or dating coach may be able to show you how to hone your communication style.
But remember: “If you’re constantly taking screenshots of someone’s texts for your friends to analyze, he’s probably not the one,” adds Chan.
