Editor’s Note: Mary Francis Rasquel graduated from high school last month in Columbia, South Carolina. She will attend Dartmouth College in the fall.
Harlem, Netherlands
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In the summer before the sixth grade, my friend Lou and I discovered an empty lot with an abandoned dock in a nearby lake in Columbia, South Carolina.
It was always magical. We avoided the heat late in the afternoon as the light slipped into the evening, with chicada and frogs bustling.
We sat on the dock eating candies and drinking thrassi for hours.
These are some of my favorite summer memories in elementary and middle school. My parents gave me a long leash when I was a child.
Especially in the summer, I walked long distances in the summer when I had more time. I either wandered around to my local drugstore for gummy candies or tried on clothes that I couldn’t afford to spare all the way to the main shopping street. I walk to restaurants, coffee shops and to a friend’s house far away. It was fun and it taught me how to be myself in my own little way, in my own way.
But I was a free child, which is rare among my peers. Dozens of kids my age lived in the neighborhood, but only three people walked to my house to ask if they wanted to play when they were in elementary school. Other parents did not let their children go to the neighbourhood themselves.
Instead, they called my mother and set up play on what felt like a distant future. I am grateful for how hard work and organization you have incorporated, but when you were a little kid, the desire to play was immediately there. I was irritated.
Heading to the Netherlands
When I visited a Dutch friend in March, the Dutch children I met reminded me that their childhood was roaming my neighborhood. I was staying in Haarlem, a small picture book city outside of Amsterdam. Tracy is a family friend and an American expatriate who currently lives in the Netherlands. Her three children were born there and raise Dutch people. They always went in and out of apartments, headed to schools, restaurants, friends’ houses.
These types of ingress and outflows are not unique to the family. Many Dutch children enjoy freedom of movement, where most American children do not. This may be the key to why Dutch children are the happiest children in the world, according to a report from UNICEF. The agency measured childhood well-being in 43 countries that are members of the European Union and/or the Economic Co-operation and Development Organization. The US was not fully ranked mental health because researchers lacked relevant data.
Even without a definitive mental health ranking for American children, I think Dutch children are much happier than American children like me. Articles discussing the report provide many different answers as to why this happiness gap exists: Better healthcare, High Trust There is little pressure to be culturally and academically superior. But when I asked Dutch parents and children why they thought their children were so happy, they all had one answer.
American parents say they also value independence.
Almost three-quarters of American parents of children aged 5 to 8 say “the key is to have their kids do things on their own when possible,” according to the 2023 referendum on CS Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health. Polls found that among parents of children aged 9-11, “84% agree that their children will benefit from having free time without adult supervision.”
So, if both Americans and Dutch parents value independence, why do Dutch children look so happy? I wonder if the key difference lies in how both sets of parents understand what freedom of a child looks like.
“Raising a child in the Netherlands is raising a self-sufficient child,” Tracy told me. “Because there is no school bus, my two old ones (12 and 14) go back to school for more than 10 kilometers (6 miles) a day.
“If the teacher cancels a class, students will spend their free time instead. My 14-year-old had two cancelled classes this morning and stayed home until noon.
Parenting in the Netherlands emphasizes allowing children freedom of exercise that many American children don’t have, according to almost 12 Dutch parents I spoke to. When I was in Haarlem and Amsterdam, I had bikes and little kids everywhere.
Dutch kids got bikes when they were young, Tracy told me, which gives them the ability to move around their own towns and cities. We also saw many kids walking to shops and restaurants with friends. Generally speaking, Dutch children and teens are allowed to move around the world freely.
Most American children don’t have anything close to this level of freedom. According to a Mott survey, only 33% of American children between the ages of 9 and 11 are allowed to bike or walk to their friends’ homes alone. While parents are in different aisles, half can find items in the store, and 15% can trick-or-treat with friends themselves. They cannot travel around the world without their parents.
There may be many reasons why American parents are limiting their children’s physical independence, but the main reason seems to be concerns about their children’s safety.
American parents fear the happiness of their children, which makes them worry. In fact, 40% of parents report being extremely concerned about their child suffering from depression and anxiety, and 36% report being “somewhat” worried, according to the 2023 Pew Research Center’s American Parenting Survey. More than four in 10 parents describe themselves as overprotective, the study says. That may be why they limit children’s freedom of movement.
The lack of freedom of movement may undermine what parents say they actually want from their children: happiness. After all, parents aren’t trying to protect their children, so will they be happy and healthy?
In a 2023 study, the researchers concluded that “the main cause of the increase in mental disorders is a decades-long decline in the opportunities for children and teens to engage in, roam and engage in other activities independent of direct monitoring and control by adults.”
Researchers in this study argue that independent activities of adolescents lead to the happiness that parents desire. Independent activities require young people to make their own decisions and find their own solutions, leading to the development of a strong “trajectory of internal control,” the researchers pointed out.
That trajectory refers to the tendency to believe that you are in control of your life and to be able to solve problems as they arise. The weak internal control trajectories resulting from low adolescent independence often lead to anxiety and depression.
My high school classmate Cal commented once about this anxiety while talking about how Gen Z appears to have fewer parties. “People are too scary for kids to go and do things. As a generation, (we) are now too scary for anything.”
I am not a parent and am not trying to tell anyone how to raise a child. But I’ve just graduated from high school so I know what modern childhood is like. I remember how wonderful and unusual it was to be able to wander in elementary and middle school, so I hope my perspective will be useful for anxious parents.
Consider letting your child walk to a nearby park without you this summer. Or give them money to buy ice cream cones without supervision. Encourage friends to invite. Let them have physical freedom and the memories that come with it.
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