Spring is in full bloom, and so is a controversial new dating term.
So many dating terms are meant to define and clarify every micro aspect of a relationship, but “Wildflower” is all about the opposite. When you play Wildflower, the relationship unfolds completely organically. That means no timelines, no labels, no definitions, no expectations.
In other words, let connections bloom like wildflowers. Free, natural, and beautiful. right?
Well, not necessarily. Indeed, wildflowers have some wonderful aspects. It’s something even modern daters steeped in arbitrary rules and overthinking can definitely enjoy. However, there are also some pitfalls.
Those who do Wildflower run the risk of being led or taken advantage of by those who treat this tendency as just an excuse for not committing, setting clear boundaries, or adhering to standards.
Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love that Lasts, says that while there are positives to this trend, it’s not right for everyone. And before you decide to throw away all your dating wisdom to pursue wildflowers, it’s important to know what kind of dater you are.
“If you tend to think about the future on first or second dates, wondering if this person will be your partner or the parent of your children, or asking interview-style questions to see if they fit a checklist in your head, perhaps you should take a more relaxed approach,” she says. “But if you’re on the other side, great at first and second dates, but unwilling to deepen the connection, feeling uncomfortable when it comes to intimacy and avoiding commitments and labels, ‘going with the flow’ may actually be keeping you stuck.”
Where wildflowers go wrong
It goes against many people’s personal philosophy when it comes to dating. Instead of “dating to marry” or “DTR” (defining a relationship) early on, wildflowerers choose to just go with the flow.
“I think dating is a process of practicing curiosity, getting to know yourself in the process, and becoming more clear about what you want by dating different people,” Chan says.
For some daters, that’s exactly what they need. But before going with the flow, some people want to know that the flow is actually going somewhere.
Damona Hoffman, dating coach and author of F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story, believes wildflowers speak to the stress that modern daters experience. Much of today’s dating is done online. Many daters end up messaging multiple people at once while navigating through the large number of profiles on the app. This is a communication style that evolution didn’t equip us with.
Wildflowering isn’t just about rejecting timelines and labels. It’s also a rejection of the controlled, artificial atmosphere that many people associate with online dating.
“It seems to have emerged as a reaction to something I hate: the gamification of dating,” Hoffman says. However, she added, this trend “could lead to future disappointments if there is no framework, guidelines or standards in place for romantic development.”
Her advice? embrace spontaneity and Clarity. In other words, you should be willing to be surprised by a romantic relationship and at the same time know what an ideal relationship looks like.
Want to grow wildflowers? This is the biggest thing to keep in mind
In overwhelming dating situations, many people feel like they only have two options. You can either define every inch of the dating process and take control, or you can surrender to the chaos and let the chips fall where they may. Wildflowers tend to be the latter.
But to know whether wildflowers are suitable for you, you need to know yourself. Are you the type of dater who struggles with stubbornness? Does your relationship shopping list stretch more than a mile? Then embracing the wildflower spirit may do the trick.
“It depends on your previous patterns. Some people jump into relationships too quickly,” says Chan. “These will benefit from a wildflower approach.”
But if you’re already a free spirit who blindly stumbles into relationships and frets when things don’t work out, it might be time to be more intentional and decisive.
“And then there are those who are on the other end of the spectrum. They become a little too much of a wildflower, jumping from person to person and never allowing the connection to deepen,” Chan says. “These companies could benefit from some structure and effort.”
