Grandma’s birthday surprise is a hug from her new granddaughter
Josie Vidya met her new granddaughter for the first time after her daughter flew to the Philippines from the United States as a 70th birthday surprise.
USA Today
The helicopter parents of the 1990s and early 2000s are now becoming grandparents. But for some, the name “helicopter” remains.
“Mom, that’s my children. You are already a “grandma”. Remember? “
These are the words actor and TikTok momfluencer Sera Victor said to her mother in a recent social media video that has been viewed more than 25,000 times. She said this jokingly in the video, but also touched on the tensions that are creating in families across the country: helicopter grandparenting.
Emily Greenberg, president and co-founder of the parenting coaching platform Joy Parenting Club, said she has several grandparents who fly helicopters who live nearby.
“It’s great to have support, but it’s exhausting to be in control,” she said, noting that other parents without family support may ridicule her frustration. “I know I’m very lucky.”
Greenberg said helicopter grandparents are overly involved in their grandchildren’s upbringing “beyond what is required” of parents. She says some of that over-involvement likely comes from anxiety and anxiety as grandparents try to find their new roles.
The idea that older people are “running out of time” to raise children or serve their adult children is frightening, Greenberg said. However, overcompensating often crosses boundaries and causes parents to instinctively distance themselves, often reacting in the opposite way from what grandparents would like.
What role do grandparents play?
Kurt Eller, a psychologist and associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Georgetown University School of Medicine, works with families through all life stages. According to Ella, there are basically three different styles of grandparenting: “distant,” “spousal,” and “involved.” Fellow grandparents are fun-seekers, but they don’t help raise their grandchildren.
He agrees that age-related anxiety can lead to a type of involved grandparenting that could be described as “helicopter grandparents.” But that anxiety can have the opposite effect, he says, making grandparents even more isolated for fear of doing something “wrong.”
Ella says it’s good for grandparents and grandchildren to be close. It can relieve some of the stress of raising children. It also gives grandparents a renewed sense of purpose, reduces feelings of loneliness, and helps them “stay energized” during activities and outings.
“I really think this will actually help all three generations,” Ella said.
Greenberg feels that being a grandparent has had a positive impact on his father, especially as he enjoys playing catch outside with his 7-year-old son. Her father “came back to life” as a grandfather, she said.
“Having a grandson gave him new energy, creativity and warmth,” she said. “I see in him a kind of spark to try new things.”
Dale Atkins, a psychologist and author of the children’s book Turquoise Butterfly, which tells the story of a grandmother and her granddaughter, said the problem is that grandparents “forget that there is a world of parents to respect.”
“You have to be very conscious and careful about what you say, what you do, how you share your observations, and what you say to your grandchildren,” Atkins says. “Because they’re not your children.”
A grandparent’s job is to “be curious, not critical,” and always ask first before jumping in, Atkins said. It is also important for grandparents to remember their current role as parents. New parents in particular rely on their parents to talk about how they’re feeling as new moms and dads, how work is going, and other details of their lives outside of their grandchildren.
Parenting coach guides you on how to set boundaries with helicopter grandparents
Greenberg said a lot of parenting is about self-reflection. Older adults typically have a lot of time to reflect on their parenting choices by the time they become grandparents. Mr. Greenberg believes that grandparents’ overreach may be a result of “hoping for a do-over.”
But becoming a grandparent isn’t about getting a second chance to be a parent, Atkins said. Grandparents should ask themselves what they want from their grandparenting experience and set appropriate expectations.
How should parents approach helicopter grandparents? Greenberg says that in response to unsolicited advice, parents can say, “I’m not looking for feedback on this.” As you approach the larger conversation about setting boundaries, Greenberg suggests starting by acknowledging your grandparents’ feelings of insecurity and thanking them for their help. Greenberg offers the acronym “HELP” as a guide.
- Helpful or Hangout. Greenberg said grandparents sometimes try to spend quality time with their grandchildren in the name of being helpful. It is important to clearly and honestly communicate the intent of the social gathering. Greenberg often tells her mother, As long as the intent is clear, grandma time is good, she said.
- emotional needs. Grandparents may have concerns about their new role and how they will fit into the family. Be open about those anxieties, those inner questions like, “Do I still matter here? Do I still belong?” − Helps clear up misunderstandings.
- loaded meaning. Unsolicited parenting advice from grandparents is a common tension in families. Greenberg said the advice can sometimes sound judgmental if the actual grandparents may be questioning their own parenting choices years ago. Parents may feel like their parents don’t trust them to make the right choices, Greenberg said.
- parameters. Greenberg said parents need to set clear boundaries and define what behaviors are helpful. “Borders are not rejection.”
Ella says avoiding tension will only make things worse. He suggests checking in regularly.
“If it’s not talked about, there’s a lot of speculation and misunderstanding,” he said. “Sometimes they even step on each other’s toes or parent in different ways, so it’s almost like they’re bringing each other back together.”
Madeline Mitchell’s role covering women and the care economy for USA TODAY is supported by partnerships such as: extremely important and Journalism funding partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.
Contact Madeline at: memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ With X.
