Look at Daters: There are new, toxic relationship trends that are engaging the romantic world in the storm.
It is called “banking,” and its name is derived from Banksy, an elusive street artist known for his art that appears to be appearing out of nowhere.
Like a nasty Banksy art piece, relationship “backing” involves emotionally slow withdrawal from your partner. When it was time to finally break up, “Banksy” often feels good and was mentally checked out from the relationship quite a while ago, but the other partners are blind and confused.
When someone “banks” the “banks”, they start to destroy the relationship before others see it coming. Some of Banksy’s art is famously self-destructed, like one picture that made headlines to shred itself after selling it for $1.4 million at auction.
“Banskying” has been happening for a while, says Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of “Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Your Heart.” The solution, she says, is to practice open and honest communication, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
“The “banks” are happening more now, especially with the surge in dating apps where people developed poor dating etiquette,” says Chan. “A person who withdraws will gain the ability to handle breakups on their own terms before handing over the notes to others who are completely shocked. It is selfish. It shows how to deal with lack of emotional maturity and conflict rooted in avoidance.”
Where did the “bank” come from?
Emma Hathorn, a relationship expert at Seeking.com, says it’s “banked.” Many times, the receiver can feel something is wrong, but their partners continue to assure them that everything is fine.
“Banks are something we all experienced at some point,” says Hasson. “Previously, there was no way to express that subtle sense of fear when our partners started to separate us. It essentially kicks us out. Emotionally manipulative, emotionally distant – there are a lot of ways people tried to define it.”
Chang says that what makes “banks” so painful is its ambiguity. It’s clear that at least when someone ghosted it, they abandoned the relationship. But in “banks,” people often remain in the darkness, wondering if the relationship is actually solid or if concerns about it are justified.
“They may not use your words to tell you, but their actions are like that,” says Chan. “They may lie and say everything is ‘great’, but you have to mention that you’re not ‘great’ because they can pick up clues of emotional distance. They say everything will be fine, but don’t think it’s okay to wipe out cold behavior under the rug just because they’re acting in the entirely opposite way.”
What does “bank” say about us?
Ultimately, the “bank” valence extension further shows how dating and breakdown skills have deteriorated in recent years.
“It underscores how conflict-away people have turned out,” says Chan. “They seem less capable of tolerating uncomfortable feelings and difficult conversations, so instead of dealing with relationship challenges or feeling guilty about breaking up, people are causing more harm by dragging things out.”
Solution? Instead of parking, tell someone who’s telling you how you really feel. It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do.
“Modern dating really needs dull integrity,” Hatone says. “Being solid but polite in advance indicates that you know what you want and don’t want to waste your time and potential partner’s time.”
