A relationship therapist and sex educator discuss why voice memos have gained so much attention on the internet.
TikTok is the site of heated debates about sex, consent, and what makes for healthy or problematic communication during the early stages of dating. The controversy arose after a woman shared a voice memo her friend received from an unidentified man (now widely referred to as “Voice Memo Man”) after their first date.
The original post received 5.5 million views. Even some reaction videos racked up more than 300,000 likes as people raced to either defend the man or share their disgust.
So if these videos aren’t already flocking to your For You page, here’s what’s happening.
One man followed up his first date with a voice note saying that if his partner wasn’t interested in having sex on the second date, “we should end it here.” He said it was important to explore “sexual compatibility” early on.
“If I’m going to come here, I want to have sex and have a good time,” he says. “What’s the point of me coming here if we’re not going to end up together?”
The original user shared the video as part of a trend in which users share why they choose to remain single, with the caption: “What really made him send this?” But reactions have been polarized, and not everyone sees “Voice Memo Man” in the same light. While those in the “Team Voice Memo” camp praise him for being upfront about expectations, others argue that this crosses the line from clear communication to coercion.
So, is “Voice Memo Man” a communicator worthy of praise, or a walking red flag? Relationship therapists and sexologists also weigh in.
Why the Internet is so divided over “Voice Memo Guy”
On the other hand, the “voice memo guy” told his date exactly what he wanted and gave her the opportunity to cancel the date in advance if it didn’t suit her idea. In an age of ghosting and “ego-scrolling” on dating apps, this kind of honesty can feel radically refreshing.
Dr. Tara Suignatchaiporn, a professor of sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton, says disclosing these intentions up front is “good sexual communication behavior” and helps prevent “assumptions and risks.”
She said the voice memo did not meet the textbook’s definition of coercion, but offered an ultimatum rather than a frank conversation.
“The agreement is ongoing,” Suwinyattchaiporn explains. “It needs to be felt in context and not like, ‘This is going to happen, yes or no?'”
Trauma and relationship therapist Jordan Pickell said women may also pick up on the “underlying aggression” in his language.
“Women in particular are always evaluating how someone responds to their emotional safety, respect, and boundaries,” she says.
For Pickell, the tone is “not one of warmth or respect,” but “a very subtle warning.” She added that voice memos can make the situation seem risky, even if the recipient of the voice memo is initially interested in sex. Pickell said the issue begs the question. How would the sender react to a “no” if the receiver changed his mind during the encounter?
Another aspect is that it is influenced by lived experiences and past trauma.
“Some people hear a refreshing candor, while others hear a rude voice,” Pickell says. “Our responses are largely shaped by our lived experiences, including gender, access to power, past rejections and past coercions.”
How the “Voice Memo Man” could have communicated better
Suwinyattchaiporn says effective communication for relational development uses a “staircase model” and includes “priming messages” to develop a larger discussion about intimacy. Sharing his entire side in one voice note was the sender’s first mistake, he said.
Dr. Anthony Preischel, a sex therapist who specializes in treating compulsive sexual behavior, says the “voice memo guy” crosses the line from communication to pressure to persuasion, giving him an ultimatum.
Better communication could have looked like expressing his desire to explore sexual compatibility and stopping to ask her what she thinks. Preychel says this will give the date the opportunity to say yes or no on their own terms. The “voice note taker” may then decide to cancel the date if her response is a deal breaker.
“The act of sexual communication and the clarity it brings is completely valid,” Suwinyattchaiporn says. “But the way it was conveyed sounded very insensitive…(and) it had a title.”
