If you use a dating app, you probably May At least once, you have exaggerated the truth about yourself. Or twice. OK, maybe a few times.
Oh yeah, you might think so, but there’s a name for this behavior. This is called “kitten fishing”, but like the more extreme “catfishing”, kitten fishing tends to end in more or less disappointment.
Kitten fishing involves telling small lies about yourself on dating apps or in the early stages of a date in order to make yourself appear more attractive. Consider adding an inch or two to the height section of your dating profile. Or you may say that you probably just took a course and graduated from a prestigious university with a degree. Or maybe he’s lying about his age. Or you can use an old or heavily edited photo of yourself.
They may not be making up completely fabricated personas like catfish. But you’re not being completely honest either.
“Kitten fishing is the PG version of catfishing,” says Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love that Lasts.” “This actually happened to me personally. I matched with a guy who listed Harvard University on his profile, but after a few dates, it became clear that they didn’t actually graduate from Harvard. They took Harvard courses.”
Why do we go kitten fishing?
The truth is, dating apps are essentially online marketplaces. And it’s very competitive in that regard.
In order to stand out, to get a foot in the door, many feel they need to elevate their own truth.
And the sad truth is that most kitten fishermen aren’t actually bad or undesirable people. They just don’t know how to stand out.
“To be honest, it usually comes from an insecure place, not a malicious place,” Chan says. “I’ve had clients tell me they’re fudging their age and height just to avoid noise. Their logic is that once you meet them in person, superficial things don’t matter. The problem is that most people feel cheated when the person in front of them doesn’t match their profile. When you start things off with a small deception, no matter how harmless it feels, you end up undermining trust before it’s built.”
As a result, kitten fishing rarely ends happily, even with the best intentions.
“If you try too hard to kitty fish, you’re going to be disappointed, because when you actually meet that person, you’re not what they expected,” says Damona Hoffman, dating coach and author of F. the Fairy Tale: Rewriting the Dating Myth and Living Your Own Love Story. “We’re not chasing likes on dates; we’re actually nurturing connections.”
How to be your best self without kitty fishing
Hoffman says kitty fishing isn’t just for dating. To some degree, everyone is baby fishing on social media. Social media generally allows people to present the best version of themselves and cut out the icky parts.
For dating apps, it’s a fine line, Hoffman added. You want to look your best and be on your best behavior, especially in the early stages of dating. But you also want to be authentic, genuine, and honest. Otherwise, how would you know if you and the person you’re about to meet are truly compatible?
Instead of kitty fishing, aim to create a profile that tells a story, something deeper than the superficial markers that many people hide behind.
“When creating profiles, I never add filters to my clients’ photos,” says Hoffman. “You want to look your best, but that doesn’t mean changing your image. It means choosing photos that tell a story about who you are and where your personality shows. There’s no need to try to be a picture-perfect version of yourself when your ultimate goal is to actually connect with someone and get them to like you.”
Chan encourages daters to consider that each photo on a dating app shows a different side of their personality. She says the first photo should clearly show your face. The second is a clear body shot. But after that, each photo should be a starting point for someone to learn more about you.
“Think of it like giving someone a hook to start a conversation,” she says. “The big mistake I see is people posting glamor shot after glamor shot. I get it, you’re pretty. Is there anything else?”
And above all, don’t get discouraged. Dating is difficult, yes. But kitten fishing only makes the situation worse.
“This also shows the scarcity mentality that’s prevalent in this culture right now,” Chan says of the trend. “Dating partners are losing hope, believing that good partners are out of the question, and finding it harder than ever to meet potential partners, let alone feel connected.”
