The dating world is becoming more dire by the minute.
Just when you thought “ghosting” (disappearing without warning in front of the person you’re dating) was bad enough, a new trend that’s even worse has entered the zeitgeist. It’s called “ghostwriting.”
Essentially a toxic combination of “ghosting” and “gaslighting,” the ghostwriter will cut off all communication and then resume contact later as if nothing happened. Even worse, they often try to gaslight the person they were dating into believing that ghosting never existed in the first place.
“Instead of owning it, they ignore it like it’s no big deal and make excuses like, ‘You seemed so busy and I didn’t want to bother you,'” says dating expert Amy Cheung, author of “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Build Lasting Love,” which will be published in April 2026. Question your reality. ”
How romantic!
The problem of “ghostwriting”
Ghostwriting comes in many forms. That can happen if a ghost titer suddenly texts you. It can happen when they suddenly engage with your posts on social media. This can happen when someone subtly tries to get back into your DMs.
Typically, ghostwriters attempt to pick up exactly where they left off, unaware of the disappearance.
The rise of Ghostlighting is not surprising, says Chan. After all, thanks to dating apps and more people meeting online in general, daters tend to stay in limbo with each other for longer than ever before.
“A lot of connections exist in a gray area right now,” she says. “You’re texting. You’re seeing each other. But nothing is clearly defined. That ambiguity makes it easy for people to quit. And if someone can quit without consequences, they often do.”
Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men, says the rise of ghostwriting has made it increasingly important to evaluate potential partners by their actions rather than their words. Will they show up? Are they communicating consistently? And if they don’t do either of these things, how will they react when you bring it up to them?
“Actions speak louder than words,” Anderson says. “Things happen. Maybe something happened in their personal life. Maybe they weren’t ready to date. But if they didn’t mention or apologize for the fact that they had disappeared before, I would pay attention to them. Because do you really want to be with someone who can do that again for no reason?”
Are you experiencing a “ghost light”? Here’s what you need to do:
Have you ever been a victim of ghostwriting? Well, it might not be a bad idea to call in Casper.
“If you’re being ghostwritten, don’t brush it off,” Chan says. “If someone disappears and then reappears, calmly name them: ‘When you stopped responding, I took it as a lack of interest and a lack of communication.’ Then, pause and see how they handle it.” Will they admit it and take responsibility? Or do we turn around and minimize it? ”
If they respond well, with a sincere apology and a valid explanation for their disappearance, you can consider whether it’s worth giving them another chance, Chan says.
But no matter what, don’t try to figure out why this person ghostlit you. Even worse, you may end up blaming yourself for their actions.
“If you psychoanalyze that person and try to figure out why they did what they did, you might go crazy,” Chan says. “What really helps is not solving the mystery, but allowing yourself to process the hurt. Acknowledge that you felt disrespected, that you were disappointed, that you wished something more respectful. The open loop closes not when you understand their actions, but when you accept what their actions showed and decide what you will and will not tolerate in the future.”
And if you’re a ghostwriter, take some responsibility.
“Be the change you want to see in the dating world,” says Anderson. “It often starts with having a high degree of integrity and communicating your feelings openly, honestly, and openly.”
