Christmas music sneaks into Spotify’s top 50 list
All I want for Thanksgiving is Christmas music…check the music charts and you’ll probably want a rewrite of a Mariah Carey classic.
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You know the Dasher, you know the Dancer, you know the plan…well, you know the rest.
Yes, Virginia, while we have Santa Claus, listening to Christmas season music can switch us from being emotionally charged to cringing at the sound of a bell.
However, narrowing down a list of even bad songs is difficult, and sorting out the worst songs is very subjective.
Many people are quick to malign “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” but it’s a difficult song to analyze. There’s no doubt that this Oscar-winning duet made famous by Dean Martin and Marilyn Maxwell and covered by everyone with vocal cords has a lot of unpleasant elements inherent in it. But when put into the context that songwriter Frank Loesser wrote the song to sing with his wife as a way to encourage guests to quit their housewarming party, it feels as if the cancellation police needed to land a blow.
Another popular choice is Paul McCartney’s “A Wonderful Christmas Time.” It should be impossible to desecrate such a well-intentioned song, which also has a great McCartney melody, but some people just can’t stand its vulgar tendencies.
There are plenty of other audible lumps of coal to avoid. Here are the 10 worst Christmas songs.
10. NSYNC “I didn’t know the meaning of Christmas”
Isn’t Christmas about the birth of Christ, spending time with people and exchanging gifts, visiting Santa at the mall (or the virtual version that currently exists), and soaking in tinsel and trees?
According to Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lance Bass and Joey Fatone, the meaning of Christmas for NSYNC is all about… finding a girlfriend. And only then will you truly understand the spirit of Christmas when you realize, “In my hurry, I missed so much,” and when you hear the words, “Little girl, you finally made me see.”
9. Neil Diamond “Cherry Cherry Christmas”
This feels like a song that came out of a marketing conference. “Hey, let’s see if Neil can take some of his most beloved song titles and phrases and turn them into Christmas songs.” “What a great idea! His fans are sure to go crazy!”
Perhaps some of you do. And while Diamond is undoubtedly one of modern music’s most notable songwriters, this song is sung blue for all the wrong reasons.
8. The Killers “Don’t Shoot Me Santa”
If ever a Christmas song deserves the “What drugs were they on when they recorded this?” response, this is it.
It feels like the band is playing a joke on the fans. A bizarre conversation between singer Brandon Flowers (“Santa Claus, don’t shoot me, I’ve lived a clean life, I promise”) and Santa (“The party’s over, kid, I got a bullet in the gun”). A slow beat suddenly escalates into what would otherwise be a decent chorus, then swirls around again. The video then shows a nefarious Santa holding Flowers hostage in the desert and happily digging a grave for her.
They may all be intended as satire, but sometimes the irony is just plain stupid.
7. Pussycat Dolls “Santa Baby”
There are only two acceptable versions of this song. Eartha Kitt’s original and Madonna. This big band take on the song, which is already swaying with irredeemable absurdity, hopes to be fresh and enchanting. But instead, it’s flat and unappealing, and the songs (of many Dolls) are the equivalent of a fun karaoke routine at a work Christmas party.
6. Lou Monte “Dominic the Donkey”
The man who popularized “Pepino the Italian Mouse” has turned its seedy charm into an Italian Christmas donkey who helps Santa bring presents (“Made in Brooklyn,” of course). Dominic wisely doesn’t have much to say other than “la la la.” That’s because Monte and songwriters Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Wandra Merrell — yes, it took three of them to write this drivel — are too busy imitating the rhythmic flow of “That’s Amore” to focus on the lyrics.
5. New Kids on the Block “Funky Funky Christmas”
If you get past the first 12 seconds of “Ho Ho Ho,” which is delivered with a bizarre vocal that’s meant to sound like Santa Claus (or so we think), you’ve listened for much longer than necessary.
The song, taken from their 1989 album Merry Merry Christmas and between the boy band’s smash hit Hangin’ Tough and successful follow-up Step by Step, is as much a product of popularity as it is an outright cash cow (see: NSYNC).
Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood, and Jonathan and Jordan Knight half-rap to a rousing electronic backbeat like Beastie Boys wannabes. James Brown, on the other hand, is rolling over in his grave at the ridiculousness of this tripe being called “Funky.”
4. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson “The Little Drummer Boy”
There’s really not much to mess with a simple ballad that requires only a spinning snare drum as the only necessary instrument, but leave it to the Simpson sisters, circa 2004, to burn it all down.
Their breathy enunciation, dripping string arrangements, and oddly placed horns don’t help. And that’s before the song detours into a false gallop before the two drag out every syllable of the song as if it’s a lifeline.
3. New song “The Christmas Shoes”
Look, even the meanest among us can’t fault a song that ostensibly attempts to show the true meaning of the holiday through a song that tells the story of a little boy who asks for help from a stranger in line at a shoe store (?) because he wants to buy his dying mother shoes for Christmas but doesn’t have enough money.
Oh wait. Yes, you can.
2. Elmo and Patsy “Grandma got run over by a reindeer”
The story of the old woman who drank too much eggnog and forgot to take her medicine, and was steamed to a pulp by Rudolph might be laughed at by a 6-year-old, but isn’t it a bit cruel? And forget about her husband Lice, distraught over his grandmother’s untimely death and “drinking beer and playing cards” with his cousin Mel.
Top it all off with a really bad song and you’ve got a novelty song from hell.
1. Alvin and the Chipmunks “Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”
Nails meet the blackboard.
Is there a shriller Christmas song than this? Is there another sound more disturbing than the helium-like “squeak” of Simon, Alvin, and Theodore’s voices? Even the dogs barking Christmas songs are masters of sweet tones compared to this trio. It’s a wonder the Grammys survived, even though this boring fest was nominated for Record of the Year at its first-ever ceremony in 1959 (it didn’t win that award, but won three other Grammys).
Animated or otherwise, this may be the first time I’ve wished bad luck on a lovable forest creature.
