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Hilary Duff’s return to music has garnered a lot of attention, and so has her latest interview with Rolling Stone.
The singer revealed that she often worries that her husband, musician and producer Matthew Koma, will cheat on her, saying it is a “recurring dream” of hers.
“I keep thinking that Matt is going to leave me and go to some of the indie songwriters I work with at Coolio,” she said. “That’s insane,” Koma replied. “But they’re also very real. They’re real things that you have to be emotionally attached to.”
When this article was shared on X, some readers expressed concern about Duff.
“I’m sorry but a good man would never make you feel like that,” one person wrote. “Does she know she’s Hilary Duff?” another answered. Others came to Koma’s defense and praised Duff for opening up about her concerns.
So what do you do when you’re worried your partner will leave you? Relationship experts say this fear is not uncommon, even in loving and stable relationships. By openly discussing these concerns, you can dispel them and even strengthen your relationship.
Relationship anxiety is ‘very common’
Psychotherapist Stephanie Serkis says that even when there are no signs or patterns of behavior that indicate a partner might cheat or leave, these fears are “very common” and have less to do with the current partner and more to do with “past experiences, past betrayals, core beliefs like ‘I’m not good enough.'”
Fear doesn’t necessarily rely on hard evidence, and “anxiety typically doesn’t differentiate between past and present threats,” Serkis explains.
Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, warns that if left unchecked, these fears can lead to behaviors that ultimately drive your partner away.
“For example, if you’re spying, snooping, or making accusations, your partner might back off a little bit,” Morin says. “That decline could be misconstrued as evidence that they are leaving or are already having an affair.”
How to distinguish between “gut feeling” and unfounded fears
Poor intuition can lead to anxiety in relationships, and it can be difficult to distinguish between intuition, anxiety, or unfounded anxiety.
“If you’re always afraid that people are going to leave, that’s not a gut feeling,” Morin says. “In certain situations, you can step back and look at the facts. Has your partner given you a real reason to believe they are not committed to you? Weigh your emotions against your logic for a more balanced view.”
Look for “observable data,” says Serkis. If your anxiety persists despite the lack of evidence, it’s more likely to be anxiety than intuition.
How can couples deal with the fear of abandonment?
Anxiety is an emotion, not a prophecy.
“It doesn’t have to influence your behavior,” Morin says. “You can work on changing the thoughts and behaviors that trigger your emotions and finding healthy ways to cope.”
The first step to overcoming your fear of abandonment may be to share your concerns with your partner. Morin says these conversations can either strengthen a healthy relationship or point out flaws in an unhealthy relationship, like when your partner doesn’t take you seriously or downplays your feelings.
If fear persists or problems arise within the relationship, Morin and Serkis suggest seeking support from a qualified mental health professional in individual and couples therapy.
“A therapist can also help you figure out whether your fears are due to attachment issues, past trauma, or a toxic relationship,” Morin says.
