They drink matcha latte. They have tote bags. And over the past few weeks they have become the internet sensation.
They are called “performance men” – and even if you haven’t heard them yet, have you seen it on your social media feed, or at your local thrift store you saw it.
These are men who go to great (and often frizzy) lengths to show how sensitive, intelligent, and emotionally harmonious they are, without actually being those. Think of someone with the perfect vision, but still wearing glasses, only vintage clothes, and holding onto a copy of Joan Didion’s book wherever they go. Their lives are essentially almost constant performances, everything is curated to show others – especially women – how enlightened they are.
The trend is “attractive to women’s gazes,” explained one Tiktker in the video, adding that the typical performative man “is the idea that he is emotionally aware, not like the other guy.”
“There was a transition from Alfabro to a colder nice guy,” continues Tiktalker. “There’s a tenderness for men and more trendy.”
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After all, this trend also reveals deeper things about the false strategies that men and all people use to attract partners.
“There’s something interesting to say here from an evolutionary psychology approach,” says therapist Eric Anderson. “What we believe and act is something we are forced to do for reasons that are not clear to us, but may be obvious to those around us.
“Performing men” are everywhere. How did you get here?
For the past month, Tiktok has been flooded with stories of performance men. Parodies and impressions of these men have become viruses. There was even a men’s competition for performances that attracted a large crowd.
Anderson says that the male phenomenon of stupid tendencies, performance, hit deep truths about human nature. As long as I think that no matter how ridiculous or merciless you may become, a subset of people willing to be willing to engage in any action will always be attractive.
This is central to what it means to be a performance man. Instead of being themselves, these men are trying to become the type of person that others believe they want.
“It’s a completely rational strategy that makes women want to care about what they want to see from you,” Anderson says. “It’s not inherently scary to want women to comply with what they think women want to do with men, but some of these men go really far.”
And the truth is, Anderson adds, for some men, this type of performance proves that it is a successful mating strategy. After all, why would someone do it when he’s never worked to be a performative guy?
“Some people call this a ‘beta email strategy.’ Basically, you try to be friends with a woman and get into the friend zone,” Anderson says. “One of the ideas here is that, even if this wasn’t something that worked in our ancestor history, it’s not an action seen in humans.”
Will “Performing Men” stay here?
People who perform to be deemed attractive and desirable have been happening since the dawn of humanity – it probably won’t stop.
However, how these performances look can change as society’s views and values do. As performer men become more targeted at ridiculous laughs, these men inevitably drop the act or pick up something new.
“If it becomes something socially ramp-loaded – basically, if something is treated as something very socially undesirable – all of a sudden, you’re outgroup of a lot of people,” says Anderson. “People are motivated to erase the behavior that actually identifies them as outgroups.”
This applies to women too. Remember the rise of “Pick Me” or “Chill Girl”? As more people laugh at their actions, their performances go on the roadside as well. And I hope that as these trends become more styled, people will be able to bring more authentic selves to their relationships and all aspects of life.
