Money and love: Americans reveal what really matters in relationships
Unemployed and single? 1 in 3 people won’t date someone unless they get paid.
Be careful who you date. Not everyone who says they’re looking for a “king” or “queen” has good intentions.
There’s a new dating term called “throwing.” This means dating someone to increase your social status. The goal for the throne-seeker is to acquire an influential partner, so that his or her own image is improved by association. Unlike “shrecking,” where you go on a date with the hope that the other person will treat you better, thrones involves going on a date for the wrong reasons.
“Basically, a date is a throne used to exalt the person on the throne,” one TikToker explains in a video. “This scenario focuses only on social influence and status, not on building real emotional connections.”
The TikToker warns, “If someone seems overly focused on your status or social circle and changes their attitude towards you depending on whether you’re in public or private…this could be an indication of entitlement.”
Throne succession has been referred to by various names (such as “gold digging” and “influence chasing”). But what’s new is the impact social media has had on the throne. The heir to the throne doesn’t just date people for money or power. They also date people for followers and online influence.
“People curate their relationships the same way they curate their content,” says Amy Chan, dating coach and author of Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts. “The rise of the throne also reflects the increased focus on self-image and external evaluation. Social media has amplified this, training us to care more about how our relationships look than how we actually feel.”
“Throwing,” hypergamy, and when dating becomes a performance
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Some people want love and situation. And if I had to choose, I would ultimately choose the latter.
“A throne is when someone positions their partner as a status symbol,” Chan says. “It’s dating someone because it enhances your image. The name comes from the idea of putting someone on the ‘throne’ in order to increase your influence or social capital.”
The term also comes at a time when online discussions about hypergamy and the supposed nature of romantic relationships are particularly contentious. In some parts of the Internet, such as the Red Pill and Manosphere communities, people (mostly men) frequently criticize women for pursuing relationships only with people they perceive to be in some way superior to them, a behavior known as “hypergamy.”
Some people online openly embrace this kind of relationship dynamic and seek advice from dating coaches and websites specializing in hypergamy. Still, arguments about how common this practice is seem to be contradicted by the data. Egalitarian marriages, in which wives and husbands each contribute about half of the couple’s combined income, are on the rise, according to a 2023 report from the Pew Research Center.
Chan said the social media factor is what separates past discussions about the throne and dating.
“The idea of dating is not new,” Chan says. “People have always sought partners who enhance their lifestyle and status. What’s different now is how much they care about how they look online. We live in an age of optics. Social media turns love into a public performance, and a partner can enhance not only your life, but your personal brand.”
What should people do about the “throne”?
If you’re worried about your throne tendencies, the best thing to do is to tell your partner about it. Start a conversation. Ultimately, Chan says, “anxiety about someone’s intentions cannot be resolved by overanalyzing or playing games.”
“Ask questions, share how you’re feeling, and pay attention to how they respond,” she says. “Emotional safety does not exist without honesty.”
And Chan encourages all heirs to the throne around the world to look inward. Ask yourself what is really important to you in a relationship. Could you have fired a potentially great partner because they didn’t have the influence you were looking for?
“Ask yourself what you truly value and whether your actions reflect the person and partner you want to be,” she says. “If not, please change your policy.”
Contributor: Adriana Rodriguez
