Relationship experts offer tips to avoid getting stuck in the situation
Dr. Ramani, a relationship expert, explains how a lack of clear communication can lead to situations.
In what cases do you “not have contact” with your family? And what exactly does “not have contact” even mean?
Oprah Winfrey explored these questions on “The Oprah Podcast” in an episode released on Tuesday, Nov. 25, ahead of Thanksgiving. In this episode, viewers opened up about cutting off all contact with their immediate family, even their parents.
“I know this is a sensitive and high-profile topic,” Winfrey said during the episode. “My hope is to open up your heart space and really listen. I’m not taking anyone’s side. I just want to hear everyone’s opinion.”
Like many relationship dynamics, going “no contact” is often complicated. For some people, this is an important way to maintain their mental health and distance themselves from abusive people. But relationship experts previously told USA TODAY that “no contact” can go wrong, especially as a manipulation rather than self-protection.
What does “no contact” mean?
“No contact” is exactly what it sounds like. In other words, cut off all communication with someone. This means not meeting, calling, texting, or interacting on social media. If you happen to come across one, either avoid it or keep the interaction short and emotionally neutral.
As experts previously told USA TODAY, no contact is often recommended when dealing with a narcissist, but narcissists are very unlikely to change. Therefore, those caught in the midst of a narcissist often end up facing difficult choices. You can either continue to endure the narcissist’s abuse, or you can cut ties with the narcissist completely.
Throughout the episode of “The Oprah Podcast,” people gave Winfrey various reasons for separating their families.
One man said his parents ostracized and abused his wife, so they stopped communicating with him. One woman described how she knew from an early age that she would eventually have to sever all ties with her abusive family.
“When I first decided not to contact her, I felt very alone,” the woman told Winfrey. “So this conversation means the world to me.”
If you can’t contact us
Mental health experts previously told USA TODAY that “no contact” often doesn’t work if it’s not done with the proper intent. If they don’t contact you, fully acknowledge and accept that you will never contact that person again. Not contacting someone because you want them to miss you is not a good idea.
The latter often happens when you go through a breakup. No contact is a great way to recover from a breakup, grieve the relationship and move on, but it can easily become harmful if you do it as a way to punish your ex or make them feel guilty in order to get back together with you.
“No contact is one of the most effective ways to break up with an ex and move on,” Amy Chang, a dating coach and author of “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts,” previously told USA TODAY. “But if you don’t plan to get back in touch, denigrate or idolize your partner with every conversation, or get hooked on social media, it won’t help you move forward. Rather than just cutting off contact, it’s important to accept the new reality that the relationship is over and commit to moving forward even if you can’t see each other.”
Chan strongly recommends no contact after a breakup for neurological reasons. Doing so, she says, gives your brain space to rewire and phase out the chemicals and hormones that formed a bond with your ex.
“When you’re in love, your neural pathways become interconnected,” she previously told USA TODAY. “After a breakup, a heartbroken person may know cognitively that it’s over, but their brain and body are in a state of shock, still craving the dopamine and feel-good chemicals associated with their ex. Communicating with an ex only strengthens old neural pathways, rather than cutting them off. Even rereading old text messages or stalking on social media can strengthen old neural pathways.”
However, if you’d prefer no contact at all to get your ex back, Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recovering from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse, recommends exploring those feelings. It could be an indication that something deeper is going on within you that hasn’t been resolved yet.
“The question is, why do we want them back?” Serkis previously told USA TODAY. “What is my motivation for wanting them back?”
Do you want to go “no contact”? Here are some tips:
For those who plan on not reaching out, Chan previously shared this advice with USA TODAY:
- Stop all communications. “Delete them from social media, delete their number from your phone, block them if necessary. You need to set yourself up for success. If that means eliminating temptation, do it.”
- do not communicate intermittently. If you find it hard to go without contact forever, try doing it for a month first. Once that month has passed, see if you can add another month. It can be more palatable if you think of non-contact in chunks
- Set clear boundaries. “If your ex continues to contact you, you can send him a message letting him know that you are focused on your own healing and self-care, and that you want him to respect your request for no contact,” Chan says. “This doesn’t mean you should listen to your ex’s boundaries and block him if he continues to message you.”
- Find connections in other ways. “Strategize how to get your dopamine hit and satisfy your need for connection when you feel lonely and most vulnerable,” Chan says. “This includes friends to go to, exercise, volunteering, etc.”
