A new USA TODAY/Peacock survey of 1,600 American parents finds that women are more likely than men to say the pressure to get everything done is a challenge.
If you’re a mom reading this, you might be standing in line at Target. Or while sitting in a doctor’s office. You might be picking up NyQuil or double-checking to make sure it’s not an ear infection.
That’s because it’s after Thanksgiving and before Christmas, the busiest time of the year for most moms and comparable to the last month of school. So if you’re trying to read something, you’ll probably do it while doing other things. And I will try to keep it short enough to finish reading it.
I say mom and not parents because, let’s be honest, who picks out the sweater for the mother-in-law at the gift exchange? Even if one of them is 19, who creates the magic of Christmas like moving the elf, baking sugar cookies, scheduling family photos, and making sure each child’s stocking has the same amount of candy? It is the “mental load” of raising children, the invisible and unpaid work of planning, managing and organizing everything that women undertake to maintain their families and homes.
And women are being pushed to breaking point, according to a new USA TODAY/Peacock survey of 1,600 American parents about the emotional strain parents face. In fact, 43% of women say they feel burnt out or emotionally exhausted. And more than a third of people feel this way every day.
Who is to blame?
USA TODAY began an investigation with Peacock after the release of the thriller “All Her Fault.” Initially, the series appeared to be a mystery about the kidnapping of a young boy from a wealthy family and his culprit, but the show became a hot topic on social media, with viewers who are mothers hooked on a plot they could relate to: the mental strain of motherhood.
“All Her Fault” reflects a pivotal moment in motherhood, said Madeline Di Nonno, president and CEO of the Geena Davis Institute, which works to increase gender representation and reduce stereotyping in entertainment and media.
“It’s not all about the perfect moms we often see on TV,” she says. “Women need to see themselves on screen. There’s a lot of shame and guilt about not being the perfect mother. It’s not realistic to show this idyllic world.”
During the most important meeting of her career, Dakota Fanning’s character receives a text from her deadpan husband asking, “Where’s Jacob’s water bottle?”
“I am the original parent and you are my replacement,” Fanning tells him. “It’s not equal. It’s never equal.”
According to the USA TODAY/Peacock survey, women are more likely than men to say the pressure to accomplish everything and meet expectations is a challenge. They are also more likely to say they don’t ask anyone for advice or help.
“Women don’t want to ask for help. They want someone to know what to do. It’s not okay for men to say, ‘Please tell me what to do.’ It’s not that men are indifferent. Men aren’t raised to scan the house like their mothers did. Women are taught to anticipate their needs.”
In doing so, the mother becomes the default parent, keeping medical and dental appointments in mind, making sure the basketball uniform is clean, and not only making the lunch but also doing the grocery shopping to make sure the right grapes and goldfish crackers are purchased.
The survey found that 64% of women said they handle day-to-day childcare responsibilities, compared to 43% of men, and 44% of mothers said they felt pressured to do everything, compared to 37% of men.
The result of all those decisions? A whopping 34% of women feel overwhelmed every day. A further 32% feel this way several times a week.
Mays started helping mothers overcome emotional stress several years ago, when she was juggling a full-time job, graduate school, and raising her husband and three children. She noticed that many women’s monthly mothers’ self-care nights were interrupted by emails from their husbands asking, “What should I do to calm my baby?” Where are my pajamas? What do the kids want for dinner?
“I often talk about reminding men, ‘You guys live here, you know what you need to do.’ I’m not saying that to put men down, that’s not what it’s about at all,” she says. “It’s equal ownership.”
overwhelmed by childcare
Mothers have long felt the pressure, but more fathers are starting to feel the pressure, too. Our research shows that men are more likely than women to say that balancing work and family responsibilities is a challenge.
“Our collective expectations of fathers have changed. We expect fathers to be more involved with their children,” says Alison Daminger, author of “What’s on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life” and a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
“At the same time, the expectations for breadwinners and fathers haven’t changed. We’ve added to their job descriptions, and I think young fathers are starting to feel that burden.”
Jonathan Gilmore’s wife wanted him to do better as a parent to their two young children. He admits he got defensive at first.
He thought he was doing his part by saying, “How can I help?”
“She told me she was overwhelmed and at a breaking point,” Gilmore, 31, said. “I thought the mental load was kind of BS.”
It wasn’t until he was laid off for a few months earlier this year and became the primary caregiver for a newborn and a 3-year-old that he really understood.
Both he and his wife now work full-time, and they have started taking on household chores instead of just “helping out.”
“She always had high expectations for me. I pushed myself to grow,” Gilmore says. Gilmore started a social media account called Do Better Jonathan to show what he’s learning and to inspire other fathers. “Some of my friends have goals of wanting to be more involved with their families. And men want to learn. That makes me want to do more.”
Although men experience more stress, most feel confident in delegating tasks to their partners. However, women struggle to let go of some menial tasks because they believe they will be judged or criticized for not being perfect. Four out of 10 women surveyed said they felt pressured to be the “perfect” parent.
“I’m having a hard time letting go of ownership, thinking, ‘Why did I do it that way? Is it easier this way?'” Mays said of her husband taking over the hair care for their three daughters and twins, ages 9 and 6.
“He had to remind me that if I wanted him to do this job, I needed to take a step back. He was going to do it, even if it wasn’t my way,” she says. “Nowadays, girls prefer having their hair cut by their fathers.”
And while some partners are finding ways to overcome the burden, Daminger says society still has certain expectations of mothers. (Our research highlights this, with 50% of women reporting that when something goes wrong, it’s their job to fix it.)
“If there is a problem, the school still calls the mother,” she says. “So for a lot of women, it’s hard to quit these things.”
Learn to balance the load
Caitlin Niles has seen firsthand how difficult it is to transition from one generation to the next. She grew up in a traditional household where her father worked and her mother took care of the children.
Once Nils got married, she took on cooking and cleaning duties, and later took on the responsibility of caring for her children, now ages 5 and 8.
“There was never a conversation about who was doing what. It was very natural,” she says. “But I had a job, I was taking care of my kids, I was working full time, and it was a pandemic, and it was just too much.”
Nils and her husband divorced.
For almost two years, they shared custody of their children. “He was a single father and literally had to do everything, including making lunches and picking up children,” said Niles, 35.
The couple reconciled over a year ago, in part because he learned to be a better partner.
Now they spend Sunday mornings planning the week and deciding who owns what tasks.
“I learned that done is better than perfect, and there’s always something else to do,” she says. “We had to let go of expectations and we had a lot of conversations. It didn’t happen overnight. We really struggled in this area for years.”
One thing is clear about mental workload. That means it’s hitting us all. The survey found that around three-quarters of all parents say family responsibilities have at least some impact on their mental health, and 40% say it has a huge impact.
“The next frontier is for men to talk about it,” Daminger says. “This message is still being conveyed through women. I hope that over time, this will be seen less as a women’s issue and more as a couple and family issue.”
Laura Trujillo is a national columnist focused on health and wellness. She is the author of “Stepping Back from the Ledge: A Daughter’s Search for Truth and Renewal” and can be reached at ltrujillo@usatoday.com.
