911 caller’s family surprises her with last call before retirement
In Albemarle, North Carolina, 911 dispatcher Haley Franklin was surprised by her husband and children during a final phone call before retiring.
Now that I’m 96 years old, I realize that life is a series of contradictory realities. Two weeks ago, I felt a surge of energy and started planning a trip to Washington DC. After two days I felt completely exhausted. I began to wonder – am I a “young old man” or an “old man”? The answer changes all the time.
As a psychologist who has studied social transitions for decades, I have found that the most difficult transitions are not retirement, but the decades that follow. As co-leader of a group called The Aging Rebels in Sarasota, Florida, I’ve seen a recurring theme among people in their 80s and 90s. We call it the “Freedom Paradox.”
The weight of full autonomy
When we are young, we crave freedom. In other words, freedom from the clock, freedom from professional demands, and freedom from the “boundaries” of caregiving. However, as a member of the group recently articulated, complete freedom can quickly turn into a feeling of being “alienated.”
One former nurse in our group said she was relieved to finally have a schedule, no more watering plants, no more caring for her husband, no more shifts pulling grass. But that sense of relief was overshadowed by a loss of connection and ability. One man poignantly asked the group: “Have you tried to buy a smart TV recently?”
One of the challenges of this life stage is a change in time perspective. We oscillate between feeling like we’re running out of time and feeling like we have too much time. Without a reason to stand up for ourselves, freedom feels more like a vacuum than a reward.
important mission
To get through this, you need to ignore your “to-do list” and focus on what’s important. To be important is to feel noticed, cared for, and most importantly, depended on. My research with The Hartford Foundation found that the happiest seniors are not those with the most leisure time, but those who are “rebalancing” their psychological portfolio.
If you’re going through this transition, or if you’re helping a parent through this transition, consider these three changes.
Developing a “backup identity” My partner has been a sailor all his life. At the age of 91, he realized that he was physically unable to manage the boat anymore. Instead of going through an identity crisis, he leaned into a “backup” role. He is a sculptor and a self-taught “technician.” In our community, he is known as “1-800-Richard.” Instead of sailing, he took up sculpting to keep himself relevant. His experience is a warning. It’s time to think about your backup identity so you don’t get blindsided when your latest venture ends.
solve small problems You don’t need big gestures to do something important. My friend, who is 90 years old and lives in an assisted living facility, noticed a staff member tripping over a hedge to get to the cafeteria. He wrote a letter to the CEO suggesting a paved path. A road was built. He didn’t just improve safety; He reaffirmed his role as a contributor to the environment.
accept competing realities We must give ourselves permission to hold two truths at the same time. You can be aware that death is approaching even though you are living a vibrant life. It is possible to mourn the decline in one’s physical abilities while seeking pleasure.
the final frontier
There are no recipes from the 90s, and the question is—Do I still have a purpose? Did I leave any legacy? — rarely provides a lasting answer. But the roadmap for playing a “key role” is clear. It’s about staying involved, leveraging the power of invitation, and making others feel valued.
We have all become rebels now. The goal is not just to lengthen your life, but to ensure that those years hold the weight of your precious life.
Nancy K. Schlossberg is a professor emeritus at the University of Maryland. She is the author of 10 books, including Too Young to be Old, Revitalizing Retirement, and Retire Smart, Retire Happy.
