Editor’s Note: Deborah Farmer’s Chris is a child development specialist and author of Awe: How amazing science helps our children flourish. Find her Parenthood365.
My teenage daughter recently convinced me to take her to an art exhibition in Boston. Traffic was a predictable nightmare, and I had to travel over an hour to travel 15 miles and park almost a mile away. But when your teenager wants to do something with you, you do it.
The stress melted as I saw my daughter’s face brightening up and wandered around the gallery, celebrating the art-inspired flower display.
When we left the museum, we talked about the benefits of the crowd. People were out of their way to see the beautiful art in the midst of a world torn by war, political divisions, and the very real worries they have made time for us to adore.
Over the past four years, I have been studying how adoration can support our children while writing my first book for adults.
What my daughter and I have experienced is an emotional superfood. Wonder supports our mental, physical and emotional well-being, according to research centers focusing on psychology, sociology and neuroscience.
A respect encourages us to be kind and humble. It helps to keep mental chatter quiet, raise curiosity and feel connected to others. It has even been discovered to reduce biomarkers of stress and inflammation.
“Don’t underestimate the power of goosebumps,” says Dutcher Keltner, a well-known professor of psychology at Berkeley, who likes to say, in adorable way.
It’s easy to talk about young children. How does a 3 year old eye grow when you find Robin’s nest? But I’m even more interested in how this sentiment can support today’s teenagers.
We know that too many teens are stressed, overprogrammed, lonely, and saturated with screening. But they also have a time when they have increased their rapid brain development and emotional sensitivity.
Below are three ways to help teens take advantage of this protective emotion:
Young teens are in the pain of identity formation. Any activity that makes them happy in fifth grade may be dumped through the window by eighth grade. Over the course of two years, my oldest child had scouted, horse riding and dropped piano. After the experiment, she found her way to community theater, art and local track clubs.
I signed up for Girl Scouts and Piano years ago, and puberty is when they figure out which hat they best suit. Despite it being normal and necessary, this period of rapid change can be confusing for both parents and teens. I was teaching middle school and I often heard parents lament that they “look little awareness of their children anymore.”
Why not replace that lament with “radical curiosity”? Dr. Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist at Harvard University, introduced the phrase as a mindful parenting practice. Look at your child and ask yourself, “What is this child’s one thing you’ve never noticed before?” It can do anything, he told me – even in the new way they part their hair. Radical curiosity relaxes in line with what brings them wonder, especially when it appears to be changing monthly.
What lights them up this month? Once you notice their curiosity, you can cultivate it. When you’re fascinated by the “Lord of the Rings” books and movies, you’ll be trying out the Dungeon and Dragons Club. If your face brightens when working with small children or animals, you probably have a volunteer opportunity that can help you find them.
Note that your teens say “Amazing” – either give them goosebumps or expand their minds in a beautiful way. It’s a way to learn more about who they are now and who they will become. When we pay attention to the adoration of our children, we invite them to examine their experiences and continue their exploration.
The biggest part of admiration is how ordinary and accessible it is. No expensive equipment or flashy family vacation required. In fact, Keltner describes his adoration as “everyday emotions” that can be accessed during morning walks or cheering on a home team.
Over the past 20 years, researchers have looked into which types of experiences evoke awe. People around the world reported feeling this feeling while exploring nature, enjoying art and music, and pondering big ideas. Perhaps surprisingly, the most common source of everyday wonders came from observing that other people are kind and brave. We are inspired by the goodness of man.
Another source of we that resonates with teenagers in particular is collective effervescentness. It is a feeling that comes from working with others towards a common goal. You can feel like you’re cheering in the crowd, handing out soccer balls to your teammates during a big game, or sing with the choir. For our children, it’s the feeling that they belong to something bigger than us.
Knowing these adoration is a useful spiritual framework for parents and teens and can help you find meaningful experiences. Where can I see the art of the community? Do my kids bring them now? How can you connect more with the local community? Which clubs and sports might be worth trying? What neighbors need our help? What are the “good news” moments we can share with each other? How can I get outside for a few minutes this weekend?
Teens are keen anthropologists of human behavior. If we want them to feel more of this amazing human emotion, we must become people who are respectful and adore. That doesn’t mean you need to approach this in a canned way. No teens don’t want to listen to mom’s daily “Good News Minute.” Instead, look for a way to genuinely share the little moments of wonder that you stumble.
This is what worked for me.
Since jumping into the study of adorableness, I have begun following more nature photographers and artists on social media. The more I choose to follow these types of accounts, the more the app’s algorithm works in my favor. The tips of the make-up have been replaced by a ridiculously beautiful bird. Inspired by these photos, I began practicing calling it “beautiful every day.” I’m looking for one beautiful thing – my walk flowers, songs and stories, photos and quotes, etc. – and I text it to my dear friend who lives 2000 miles away. Sharing amplified my strange feelings and helped me feel connected over the course of miles
A few months after this practice I thought, “Why not send these to your teens as well?”
Now I often send my daughters daily photos, quotes, stories, songs, and text them to goosebump induction reels. What do you guess? She began sending me art, photos, adorable videos of ducks and baby sheep. This is a beautiful offset to other headlines and images that cross my screen, reminding me of the everyday beauty that I can find in this nasty world.
I underestimated how valuable this medium of communication is to our parent-child relationship. These daily windows make each of us wonder. Screen time is an endless dilemma of parenting. As Craig Anderson, a psychologist and business professor at HEC Paris, told me, most of the apps we use are not designed to make us adore. They don’t prioritize our happiness either, he said.
Instead, “They are designed to keep us in front of the app.” If you want to feel the benefits of “noticing things like flowers blooming or something like light filtering through the leaves,” you say, “Your attention cannot be wrapped in a phone.”
What I add is that if we can intentionally use screen time as a tool to share beauty with teens and others we love, then perhaps we can change our internal algorithms and bend it towards awe.
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