Devoted daughter seeks help when caring for moms
Miriam Sabir reveals how Holladay, a Utah nursing home, helps her deal with the care of her aging mother, Connie.
Connie Sabir lived independently before he got sick the day after Thanksgiving in 2022.
The next day, on Saturday, she went to the emergency room and was diagnosed with Covid-19 and pneumonia. She spent four days in the hospital before returning to her home in Holladay, Utah. Her daughter, Miriam Sabir, was her new roommate.
Miriam Sabir packed her overnight bag and expected her to take care of her 86-year-old mother for weeks to help her get back on track, she said.
“I thought it was temporary,” said 65-year-old Miriam Sabir. “But it was two and a half years.”
The average life expectancy in the United States is 78 years, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Many people who live long periods need care in one way or another, and often the responsibility rests on adult children. Role reversals are uncomfortable at best and trauma at worst, and guilty on both sides as parents and children tackle new reality, including occasional movements into life. For Connie Sabir, Covid-19 has accelerated the process.
Both mothers and daughters are troubled by the role of Miriam Sabir as caregiver implies their relationship. Connie Sabir said she didn’t want to be a burden. Miriam Sabir said that the past two years have been extremely difficult, but she doesn’t want her mother to feel like a burden.
Between them, these feelings are dark.
“It was tough for her, it was really intense,” Connie Sabir told USA Today about her daughter. “And I’m sorry. I feel really sad about it. And I know she’s really tired at times, and I wish I could lift her burden.”
Dr. Sanjay Shetty, president of Centrewell, a senior-centric healthcare provider for clinics and home health services, said this is common among elderly people and their family caregivers. But even if American society doesn’t promote that idea, he said aging is a good thing.
“We need to remove the stigma of aging,” Shetty said. “We’re worried that when you’re older you’ve created this idea that you should quietly deal with your own problems. We don’t ask about other populations.”
Elderly people have health and wellness needs, Shetty said. But they also need social connection and joy. If the country can remake the meaning of being a senior, he said, perhaps individual families will also be opened up in conversations about aging and senior care, making sure that everyone has what they need and that no one feels like they will put a burden on their families.
Miriam Sabir worked upstairs when her sister brought her mother home from the appointment of a doctor in mid-February. When her mother went inside and cut her coat, she collapsed and broke her leg.
The doctor has changed his knees, but Connie Sabir has yet to regain the strength he needs to get home. Following her knee surgery, she is at the care center and on a waiting list to move to the aid of the facility. Miriam Sabir visits her every Sunday morning, so they can watch the church program together.
“To be honest, I feel that it’s a great relief to have her being looked after by others,” Miriam Sabir said.
She knows her mother wants to eventually return home. But neither of them are sure what it will look like, especially as their home doesn’t have a bathroom on the main floor and the bedroom is on the second floor. Does her mother use comode? Will they set up hospital beds in the dining room?
“It looks like the end of life,” she said. “And you know, I don’t think she’s at that point.”
Chronic fatigue in mothers, increased anxiety in daughters
Connie Sabir used Walker before getting Covid-19. She went out to the doctor’s office and helped her meet friends for lunch and grocery shopping. However, after retiring from education in 2001, she managed it well herself for years.
After the match between Covid-19 and pneumonia, she suffered from chronic fatigue and brain fog. The symptoms continued for over a year.
“I couldn’t cook anymore. Ah, I loved cooking. It’s a favorite,” she said. “I was very tired. I couldn’t hold it in that long.”
For Miriam Sabir, caregiving stress was reflected in her growing anxiety.
She left her husband in 2020 and lived with her sister Shireen Watanabe before moving in with her mother. They liked their routine. Watanabe said living together was “one of our happiest times.” When Miriam Sabir leaves to take care of her mother, Watanabe realizes that she has “made a great sacrifice” to her sister.
“My sister gave up much of her life, and that’s selfless,” said Watanabe, 54. “I’ll never miss that.”
Miriam Sabir said that it makes the most sense for her to look after her mother, as she had no children like her siblings who lived nearby. However, she works full-time as a software engineer, working in the small vintage clothing business. She was tough to interact with, and she felt that soon her mental health would begin to deteriorate. She found herself eating a bar of protein and stressing her desperate desire for time alone. She felt like she had no space in her mother’s house. The emotional whiplash of living and returning to the house she grew up with didn’t help.
And she felt guilty that her mother’s care wasn’t coming naturally.
“It just got to where I didn’t know where to turn,” she said.
She hone her anxiety coping skills in early 2025, seeking the sixth therapy of her life. Now, when she is highlighted, she turns on guided meditation on YouTube. Slow breathing helps her regulate her emotions.
Looking for caregivers to “what to expect when you expect”
Miriam Sabir said he has learned to give himself blessing. She is not a trained caregiver, as many family caregivers thrust into similar positions.
“There’s a book called, ‘What to Expect When You’re Expected’,” she said. “I wish there was a handbook saying, “What to expect when you’re caring for an aging parent?”
Leslie Vick, a caregiver for a Minnesota family, thought the same thing when her 84-year-old mother fell in December 2023 and lived in a lifetime to help her live independently within a few days. So Vic wrote himself.
“Find Our Path: A Guide to Helping Caregiving, Financial and End-of-Life Journeys” is a self-help guide for caregivers, Vic said. She asserts that families should work proactively to prepare for the needs of their aging loved ones. Having a folder or spreadsheet with your account password, your doctor’s phone number, insurance information, and a list of monthly bills you need to pay is a good start, she said.
When it was time to decide whether to move the family to a nursing home or to assisted living, “communication is really difficult because emotions are involved,” Vic said. But honesty is important.
“I know it’s okay for you to need help,” she said.
A Centerwell survey of more than 4,200 US adults published in June found that two of the three Americans prefer independence over life expectancy, without self-sufficiency during aging. For those over the age of 65, that desire has increased to 78%.
Connie Sabir said. It reminded her that she couldn’t do anything she had enjoyed.
“I mean, it’s difficult for her because she needed time. I’m not independent anymore and that’s very difficult for me, so it was tough for me,” she said. “I know she’s always tired of cooking. I’m sure she did it, she’s never complained, but I’m sure she’s tired of it.”
Shetty said that living a long life and living independently is not mutually exclusive, but seniors may need to change their mindset about what independence looks like. This is where care teams and family caregivers can work together, allowing as much independence as possible for seniors, both at home and institutions.
“It took me a long time to relax.”
Miriam Sabir said her mother would call her at least three times a day. Each call lasts for 10-30 minutes. She looks at her every Sunday and brings her some clean laundry.
It took about two months since my mother left, and I felt anxious.
“It took a long time to relax,” she said.
When her mom is in the support facility, she will probably visit more as it will likely be a cozy, more attractive space. Miriam Sabir said that if her mother were to go home it would be “hard to say it.” If so, the family will need to hire a paid AA caregiver.
“This is her home,” she said. “And I think she’ll be the happiest place here.”
Meanwhile, Miriam Sabir is beginning to think about her own ageing experience.
“In fact, it scares me because I don’t have any kids,” she said. “I think that’s what you’re more aware of the plan.”
This story is part of USA Today’s Today’s Today Cost of Care series, highlighting caregivers around the country.
Madeline Mitchell’s role in covering women and caregiving economy at USA Today is supported by partnership with An extremely important venture and Journalism Funding Partner. Funders do not provide editor input. You reach Madeline with memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ x.
