Dear ICE Officers, you should be very proud of yourself and take absolute comfort in knowing that there is no karma and that a president who only cares about himself absolutely has your back.
Protests continue for nearly a week after the shooting in Minneapolis
Federal agents clashed with demonstrators in St. Paul and Minneapolis on Tuesday (January 13), nearly a week after the shooting death of Renee Good by federal agents, as demonstrations continued outside federal buildings and in communities.
To the federal employees who make up U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement and U.S. Customs and Border Protection, you know, humble people who wear masks over their faces for fear of being publicly praised for their good deeds, there’s something you should know. You are doing well, everyone loves you and you will definitely be on the right side of history!
I know I’ve received some negative feedback about my recent visit to Minneapolis, where I shot and killed a mother in her car, shot a chemical agent directly into the face of a protester, and broke down a door to arrest a hard-working immigrant with no criminal record. And you lost your podcaster.
But let’s not focus on the negative. You guys have done a great job of making America proud by dressing up as tough as hell in combat gear, shouting threats at civilians, storming into target stores with big guns and overwhelming force and kidnapping employees for no apparent reason.
And now, after the second mass shooting in Minneapolis involving federal agents on January 14, President Donald Trump may reward you by invoking the Insurrection Act and sending in the military to aid in your efforts to pacify a city that was minding its own business before you invaded.
Joe Rogan equates ICE with Gestapo
Cool-looking podcaster and MAGA supporter Joe Rogan recently asked, “We don’t want militarized people roaming the streets picking up people, many of whom actually turn out to be undocumented U.S. citizens. Are we really going to become the Gestapo? ‘Where are the papers?'” Is that what we have arrived at? ”
Well, Mr. Logan, the answer is yes. But we shouldn’t think of these beloved ICE agents as the bad kind of Gestapo. I think they are the good Gestapo and that is definitely the case.
As expected, ICE. History will remember you fondly.
Seriously, folks, I can’t think of a single time in history where a group of heavily armed government agents under the orders of a megalomaniac leader were given the power to wreak havoc and attack civilians on a white slate, and it didn’t go very well for everyone involved.
Does the city of Minneapolis seem to be under siege by out-of-control federal agents? of course. And every 10 minutes or so, there’s a viral video that pops up showing a bunch of awesome guys breaking a car window and violently dragging an innocent person out onto an icy street?
I agree. But don’t despair. I am 100% sure that you are indeed being hailed as a liberator. Such greetings will only be drowned out by the annoying shouts from the people you are cramming into unmarked vehicles.
Don’t worry about negative reviews, ICE. These are just numbers.
The bottom line, my ICE friends, is this. Everyone really likes you and appreciates your efforts.
Indeed, a new CNN poll released on January 14th found that 51% of Americans think you’re making American cities less safe. The same poll also found that 56% of Americans believe ICE’s recent killing of Renee Nicole Good, a 37-year-old mother in Minneapolis, was an “inappropriate use of force” and 51% said it “also reflects larger issues with how ICE operates.”
And yes, a new Quinnipiac poll finds that 57% of Americans disapprove of how you guys enforce immigration laws. And a new Economist/YouGov poll found that 46% of Americans want to abolish ICE.
But we all know these are just numbers, and the math should be worked on by a few burly ICE agents with no ID, stuffed into random SUVs, and deported to violent foreign prisons.
People aren’t laughing at ICE agents, they’re laughing at them…well, actually…
ICE heroes, it’s important to note that while millions of people online are laughing at the video of you all skating on the ice in Minneapolis, and people all over the world are hurling insults at you, blowing whistles, and yelling for you to get out, they’re calling you a bunch of panties wrapped in camouflage. Some might say it looks like dough, and future generations of your family will deny having anything to do with you, while most of you objectively look like you’re cosplaying as GI Joe while being routinely driven away. There are serious questions about the moral standards of angry people a third of your size and those who go to great lengths to separate parents from their children, and it’s clear that most of you weren’t hugged enough as children…Sorry, I forgot what I was trying to say.
oh yeah. Everyone is doing a great job. Take great pride and absolute peace of mind knowing that there is no such thing as karma and that when the tide turns and you are held accountable for illegal violence, a self-serving president will absolutely protect you!
Thank you for treating me so badly. And remember, they’re not saying “Boo-boo!” – They say, “That’s crazy!”
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk..
