Johnny C. Taylor Jr. answers workplace questions every week on USA TODAY. Taylor is president and CEO of SHRM, the world’s largest human resources professional organization, and author of Reset: A Leader’s Guide to Work in an Age of Upheaval.
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Question: My coworkers tell me every detail about their personal problems, including family dramas, health concerns, and relationship issues. This happens almost every day, so I’m getting tired of it. How can I set boundaries without hurting their feelings? – Kylie
A: We’ve all heard leaders say, “Bring your authentic self to work.” But to be honest, no one actually wants all Express your true self at work. I have a teenage daughter and I can say this with confidence. There are mornings, often right after school, when I don’t want to bring my true self to the professional scene. And I’m sure my colleagues are grateful to me as well.
But seriously, the workplace doesn’t require complete reliability. they require professionalism. When organizations promote authenticity without clear boundaries, confusion ensues. Sharing all your personal challenges may feel authentic to one person, but may seem intrusive, distracting, or offensive to another. This confusion often reflects a lack of cultural clarity, and organizations must address it broadly, starting with recruiting and onboarding.
SHRM research shows you’re not alone. 45% of U.S. workers report being drawn into workplace conversations that include highly personal details. Almost half of the employees! While some vulnerability can help build connections, there’s a fine line between healthy sharing and oversharing, and once you cross that line, things get messy quickly.
One thing I want to be clear about is that you are not your colleague’s therapist. It doesn’t cost anything to listen to daily commentary on their personal lives. Your attention may help them feel better, but that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate or fair to you.
If you’re dealing with an oversharer, start by politely disengaging. Don’t ask follow-up questions. Keep your answers short, neutral, and job-focused. The less reinforcement someone gets, the less likely they are to continue. Oversharing often thrives on attention.
If that doesn’t work, try being more direct. Determine what makes you feel uncomfortable and tired, and communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. You have the right to a work environment that allows you to focus and perform, but it’s your responsibility to set boundaries.
However, not all frustrations are HR issues. In some cases, differences in personality may be the cause. You won’t connect with everyone, and that’s okay. However, if someone’s behavior interferes with your ability to do your job, it makes sense to address it directly.
If you disengage and set boundaries and don’t see any change, get your manager or HR involved. They are in the best position to reinforce expectations and understand how their actions are impacting others.
After all, work is not group therapy. A place to collaborate, contribute, and perform. Thoughtful boundaries protect not only you but the entire workplace.
The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of USA TODAY.
