The popularity of “trad wives” among young women is increasing. What you need to know.
The “trad wife” or traditional wife lifestyle has become popular on social media. More young women are now exploring alternative lifestyles.
Arianna Triggs and Claire Hardwick, USA TODAY
Elaina St. James, 36, says she thought all her dreams were about to come true.
My husband, my children, and the white picket fence I had admired since I was a child were within reach. Or so she thought. Four years later, the man she once thought she was happy with broke up with her via text, and she says her perspective has changed dramatically.
Now, St. James is living a life that is far from what he dreamed of. The 58-year-old is an adult content creator on the subscription-based website OnlyFans, and has reportedly earned more than $1.5 million since joining in April 2021.
Until then, Ms. St. James said, she had always admired the lifestyle touted by today’s self-proclaimed “trad wives.” She envisioned herself as a housewife submissive to her husband. She thinks that if that trend had existed back then, she probably would have even become a trad wife influencer.
St. James knows her journey has been an unusual one, from what she calls a “trad wife in training” to an OnlyFans model. After all, most women don’t identify as trad wives or work in adult content. These two positions appear to be at odds when it comes to how women express their sexuality and seek fulfillment.
Still, St. James believes people can learn from her story. The way she sees it, her life serves as a warning to those who think they have it all solved, and at the same time gives hope to those who think it is too late to make a change. It also highlights the pressures women face amid a proliferation of conflicting labels and worldviews.
“Women need to understand that nothing is permanent and that can be good or bad,” she says. “As long as you’re alive, you can start your life over again. That’s true for men, too. … At some point, you can decide that your happiness is more important than someone else’s, especially if that someone doesn’t treat you with love and respect.”
“This is what I’ve been waiting for all my life.”
St. James says that when she first grew up, she dreamed of becoming an actress or singer like her childhood heroes Cher, Dolly Parton and Carol Burnett.
But she says the conservative culture around her influenced her thinking. So she set her sights on marriage and family, putting all career aspirations aside.
“I’ve always been told from a young age…women have a lifetime of being attractive, and that’s about 40 years old. And after that, you become invisible,” says St. James. “You have one value: appearance.”
St. James worked various jobs and waited patiently for Prince Charming. Eventually, she says, he arrived via Match.com.
According to her, the man was a handsome lawyer who wanted a wife. He also wanted children – check. In short, he was everything St. James wanted.
“I was like, ‘This is the lottery. I won the lottery,'” St. James said. “This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. This is worth the wait. This is the person.”
“I was living with him. I was taking care of everything. All the things a traditional wife would take care of,” she says. “We were building a house for us and our future children.”
Eventually, St. James says, his controlling nature began to surface. For example, he didn’t want her to talk to the neighbors. She sensed a rift in their relationship. At one point, she recalls, they decided to live apart for a month. Shortly thereafter, she says she received an email from him ending their relationship.
“I haven’t spoken to him since,” St. James said. “What would you do if you received an email like that?…I was really surprised.”
St. James’s worst fears came true. She was 40 years old, unmarried, and had no children. Her lifelong dreams were shattered. What was she supposed to do now?
Trad wives, OnlyFans, and the pressures women face
The next few years were tough, she says.
St. James struggled financially, holding various jobs. At one point, he was making about $30,000 a year with no benefits. On top of that, she says, she had to support her son, who was conceived through sperm donation.
In 2021, St. James came across a People magazine article about a woman who made $100,000 a month on a website called OnlyFans. She thought it sounded like a scam.
But her curiosity was piqued. She started researching.
“I almost pushed my eyelids open at night. I was obsessed with finding out what this OnlyFans thing was,” she says. “‘Are people really doing this? Are people paying for this? What is this? This is crazy.'”
After a few months, she decided to take the plunge and join the website. She says considering her age helped her find her niche, and her popularity has exploded ever since.
St. James says joining OnlyFans comes at a cost. She lives with deep concerns about privacy and safety. She regularly receives violent threats. So does her family. People around her began to treat her differently, including her son’s teachers.
Still, she says she wouldn’t trade her life for the submissive housewife role she once wanted.
“I’ve experienced withdrawal when you’re in a position like that, and you get thrown aside,” St. James says. “You’ve lived your whole life to please someone, and when that person rejects you, you’re like, ‘Well, what do we do?'”
For St. James, the rise of trad wives and OnlyFans models speaks to the economic hardships women face. Traditional wives cope with this situation by seeking marriages with men who can provide for them. Similarly, many women rely on OnlyFans because they see it as a path to financial stability. As it turned out, St. James was one of them.
“People are scared now. It’s even harder to live alone as a woman,” she says. “There comes a time in most women’s lives when the idea of motherhood and the central role you play becomes very, very appealing.”
While there are a variety of competing women’s brands that are popular right now, it’s important to remember that there are many different ways to live a happy life.
“I lived it,” St. James says of the traditional role he dreamed of. “And when it was gone…I was devastated.”
