Rep. Brittany Pettersen talks about balancing motherhood and parliament
Rep. Brittany Pettersen (D-Colo.) talks about balancing motherhood while working in Parliament as a deadline to avoid government shutdown approaches
Empty dishwasher. That’s why it prompted the wives and mother of four Page Connells to consider divorce.
But it wasn’t just a dishwasher. For working mothers who take the brunt of household chores and carry the mental load, this is never the case.
“I really didn’t trust him anymore,” the 35-year-old Connell told USA Today. “I wasn’t respected. I felt like I resented.”
Connell, who posted about motherhood, marriage and work on social media, has told the story dozens of times. It’s the way she asked her husband to help him around the house more, for a while, and one day he stopped. And the loneliness she experienced.
“It’s always resonating with people,” she said. In March, Massachusetts mom shared the story again in Tiktok, going viral. It has won 1.3 million likes, over 26,000 comments and over 257,000 shares.
Mothers – and several fathers – talk about the mental load of social media. But motherly psychologist and wellness coach Lisa Stephen, who focuses on maternal life, still has no understanding of what mental load is, especially among men. One partner might say to another, “Tell me what to do,” but that means they need to take the time to think about what the person they are asking needs to do and explain it, Stephen said.
A survey of 3,000 US parents published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2024 found that moms handled 71% of household tasks, including cleaning, scheduling, childcare and other daily labor. Another 2024 study from the University of Southern California, which surveyed 322 mothers, reported that MOMS was responsible for 73% of cognitive domestic work and 64% of physical domestic work. Taking the trash was only one of 30 tasks that the father would plan and execute more. The study also found that cognitive labor is associated with depression, stress, burnout, overall mental health and relationship function in women.
A 2024 report from Skylight, a smart calendar company, found that mental load is almost equivalent to a full-time job. The company’s survey of more than 2,000 parents found that parents spent more than 30 hours a week planning and coordinating family schedules and home tasks, with 61% of respondents saying that mental load reduced time with their partners.
Connell did not divorce her husband. Instead, she took serious effort in talking to him about her mental load.
Below are five things you need to know about mental stress and how couples can cope.
1. Mental load is more than just a chore
The mental load is home project management, Stephen said. It is a cognitive energy that constantly assesses the needs of a family, and plans to address every core detail – and ensure that everything is complete.
The mental load was never fair in her relationship, Connell said. Before the child was present, her mental load included getting a Mother’s Day card for her parents, a wedding gift for a friend, planning her own wedding, taking her dog to the vet and completing her mortgage paperwork.
After the kids, the list began to include filling out summer camp forms, buying new shorts for kids, cutting nails, getting birthday presents for kids friends, taking them to various activities, filling out school sunscreen forms, and actually sending them sunscreen.
“It’s not about who’s cooking,” Connell said. “It’s also about all the things that make those chores happen, or who think about what makes our lives possible.”
2. That’s a problem decades ago
Society has long placed women in the caregiver role, and men said they are valuable based solely on their position and money they earn, said Emily Claire, Marriage, Family Therapist and Director of Adult Psychotherapy Services at Northwestern University’s Family Research Institute.
“Old habits die violently,” Stephen said. “And the story of women being caretakers is deeply ingrained, and it’s not fair to men, women, or children.”
Young girls are taught early to care for others and “put their needs under others.” But “We don’t teach boys to do that.”
Today, millennials and generations of Z-Daddy are more active parents than their previous fathers. That’s great, Clear said, but that might mean that his father might think they’re more contributing to the family work than they actually are.
Meanwhile, millennials and Gen Z women are professionally conditioned to believe they can get it all at home.
“We have given women the power to enter a man’s space, but not men are power to enter a woman’s space without judgment,” Claire said.
3. Mental load makes it difficult for moms to develop their careers
When Connell and her husband became parents, she said, “it became the default for everything.” When her children got sick, she was the one who took off from work to take care of them. When the pandemic shut down childcare, she was home with her children.
The doctor and school officials called her in contrast to the child. When she goes on a rare work trip, people ask her, “Who has children?”
The mental load made her feel professionally stuck, Connell said. For five years she held a remote, flexible position that was well connected to parenting. However, she was unable to grow in the role and missed out on networking events and development opportunities, allowing her to look after her children.
Even when women work full time and they are the sole producers of the family, Claire said women still do an unbalanced amount of household chores.
4. It’s important to talk to your partner
Klear suggests that couples have a weekly conversation to discuss how to split logistics and mental load. She said, and decided who owns the plan and completion of each item, she said. The mental load may never be evenly divided, but finding a good and fair balance ensures that the household runs as smoothly as possible.
Connell said she and her husband used Eve Rodsky’s “How to Play” to start those conversations. From speaking through these prompts, including listing the daily tasks that each partner normally does, it was clear that she was doing most of the work.
Connell said the key is to frame the issue against mental load as both partners, not as one partner or the other.
5. The mental stress will not go away. It will take some time to fix it.
After the couple got used to having weekly check-in, they said they could last about 15 minutes. After that, couples connect with each other outside of home management, and actually spend quality time together.
The time it takes to find the right balance will vary, Klear said, and frustration is almost guaranteed along the way. She often hears her husband complain that she has completed the task, but is told it is not the “right way.” She also often wants to outsource tasks by men delivering groceries, hiring home vacuums, and finding babysitters. But that doesn’t solve the problem for anyone, she said. Because someone still has to manage those people and services.
Connell said it doesn’t take long for her husband to start completing more daily home tasks. However, it took him 18 months to gain an equitable share of mental load and repair res that had accumulated over the years.
Now she said she has the time and energy to travel for work and go to yoga for herself.
Madeline Mitchell’s role in covering women and caregiving economy at USA Today is supported by partnership with extremely and Journalism Funding Partner. Funders do not provide editor input.
You reach Madeline with memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ x.
