In a reckoning with the status of child stars in Hollywood, Hayden Panettiere is the latest to share the dark side of a high-profile career.
The 36-year-old “Nashville” and “Ice Princess” star has been acting since she was eight months old. In his new memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning (now available from Grand Central Publishing), Panettiere chronicles his childhood fame, interspersed with his badass teenage acting and adult addiction. In a recent interview about the memoir, Panettiere recalled that he was “prepared” to be a “little soldier” throughout his early career, which included roles on the soap opera “One Life to Live” and the animated series “A Bug’s Life.”
Much of Panettiere’s memoir deals with grief, particularly the death of his brother and the years he lost to drug addiction. She writes about relinquishing custody of her then-2-year-old daughter after struggling with postpartum depression and addiction. And, like many of her famous colleagues, Panettiere mourns the loss of “the opportunity to have a ‘normal’ childhood.”
Hayden Panettiere says she was treated ‘like a call girl’ as a teenager in Hollywood
When Panettiere was just 4 years old, her mother drove her from audition to audition through the crowded streets of Manhattan, ending each call with the phrase, “Do not call.” Panettile, who was praised for her tears and dramatic expressions, said, “I started to associate breakups with worship.”
“As an actor, when I failed, got sick, screamed, cried, got killed, grieved, and suffered, adults showed positive interest in me. Reality merged with my imagination, and all of my shame and trauma became embedded in my living core memory,” Panettiere writes. “I often wonder if, unintentionally, we think trauma is good for us.”
One of these traumas occurred at a party when she was 19 years old. The Oscar-winning actor and director (whom Panettiere did not name) revealed himself to her. Later, a trusted friend, whom Panettiere refers to only by the pseudonym “Stella McAmis,” forced her into bed with a “famous 30-something British singer-songwriter.” Panettile was shocked and ran out of the room.
“She went from confiding in me, spoiling me, and treating me like a best friend to treating me like a call girl,” Panettiere wrote.
‘Nashville’ character’s addiction was ‘like looking into a funhouse mirror’
When she was a teenager, Panettile believes her team gave her “happiness pills” (amphetamines) before interviews and red carpets to help her focus. Panettiere reflected on her addiction and recovery in “This is Me,” writing that the habit would “change” her world forever.
“At 16, they were my gateway drug to the goodness of medicine and the fall of addiction,” she writes.
Panettiere wrote that after giving birth to her daughter Kaya, she suffered from postpartum depression and became dependent on alcohol and the central nervous system depressant Klonopin. At one point, she writes, a doctor told her that if she didn’t stop drinking, she would be “dead within five years.”
She didn’t have any close friends on the set of “Nashville,” and no one talked about her addiction, which she says contributed to an “enabling” environment. Instead, “Nashville” screenwriters reflected on her character’s Season 4 arc following Panettiere’s death.
“Juliet Barnes had postpartum depression, problems with alcohol and pills, and was on the verge of divorce. She was a volatile, absentee mother who fought with everyone, including her fans. Every time I read the script that day, it was like looking into a funhouse mirror and seeing a distorted version of myself. I can’t tell you how much this made me feel lost,” Panettiere wrote.
During this time, Ms. Panettiere said, the first thing she thought about when she woke up was alcohol, “not my kids, not my job, not the rest of my life. I needed a drink to do my job.” Her ex-partner, former Ukrainian professional boxer Wladimir Klitschko, then sought full custody of their daughter. He was worried that she was in Panettile’s care.
Panettiere wrote that she agreed to relinquish her parental rights because the legal battle “would be emotionally devastating to me at a time when my heart and soul were weaker than ever.”
Her drug abuse was not the only thing the Panettiere family experienced. Panettiere wrote that her brother, Jansen, smoked crack and heroin until his death in 2023 at age 28. At the time, his family said the cause of death was “cardiomegaly (enlarged heart) and complications with the aortic valve.”
Hayden Panettiere on abusive ex-girlfriend: ‘I didn’t want to call myself a victim’
Panettiere’s brother introduced her to ex-boyfriend Brian Hickerson, who was arrested multiple times on assault charges during their on-and-off relationship. Panettiere wrote about the alleged abuse, saying that at one point her “face was so swollen that I couldn’t leave the house for weeks.” In another instance, she said he yelled, “Run as far as you can in five seconds because we need to start as soon as possible before he throws the remote at me.” On another occasion, he banged her head against a wall.
Panettiere wrote that she was afraid to call 911 because “the public would find out” about the alleged abuse. Instead, she took shelter in her car, where she kept a book and a bottle of water until Hickerson calmed down.
“I have been wondering how to communicate this because I don’t want to be a spokesperson for domestic violence,” Panettiere wrote. “I didn’t want to call myself a victim, but here I am.”
In an interview with TMZ about the memoir, Hickerson acknowledged the abuse and said, “I’ve had several opportunities to apologize and reflect on it.” He also said he recently spoke with Panettiere about the memoir and that he supports it.
“Well, I think that speaks for itself,” Hickerson told TMZ. “I was arrested for abusing her, but I don’t blame her friends for being mad at me.”
Claire Mulroy is USA TODAY’s books reporter, covering hot releases, chatting with authors, and diving into reading culture. please find her on instagramsubscribe weekly book newsletter Or tell her what you’re reading cmulroy@usatoday.com.
