Malala Yousafzai talks about therapy in ‘Finding My Way’
Malala Yousafzai details how therapy helped her process trauma after flashbacks to her college days in her new memoir, “Finding My Way.”
america today
NEW YORK – Malala Yousafzai is a bit of a troublemaker.
You might not expect that, given the solemn tone of her public persona. She was just 15 years old when she was shot by the Taliban for advocating for girls’ education. But growing up in Pakistan, she loved going on adventures and playing pranks with her friends. By the time she awoke from a coma in a British hospital, she had become known as the shy, earnest and courageous face of the women’s rights movement. At the age of 17, she became the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Now, this woman who needs no introduction is reintroducing her 28-year-old self in her new memoir, Finding My Way, out now from Atria Books.
It’s been an “extraordinary journey” to feel like a normal 20-something, Yousafzai told USA TODAY. She never thought she would be allowed to become a funny version of herself. Now, she sits in her New York studio cracking jokes about toxic boys and making memes about her academic motivations on TikTok.
“I want to show you the real me, the funny me, the dirty me, the sad me, the annoying me. All of those are me,” Yousafzai says. “I know my story has been in the mainstream media for a long time. Some people still read the old story of the 15-year-old girl who was shot and killed by the Taliban. She is defined as brave and resilient and so on. I still stand up for what I believe in and advocate for girls’ rights, but at the end of the day I’m still human. I also needed the friendship, love and mental health support we all need in life. To get better at what we want to do. ”
Acting your age: Malala spent her college years dancing and climbing on rooftops
Yousafzai believed that being a global activist meant a “very serious life” without friendships or romance. College changed her mind. She made friends who made her feel safe and helped her dress for a 1980s aerobics-themed dance party (“I had no idea what that was,” Yousafzai says). She climbed trees and rooftops on campus where she “could get into trouble.” She joined too many clubs.
Above all? She made herself believe that she was entitled to this kind of fun.
I also had some unusual experiences during my university life. Two Metropolitan Police officers (“middle-aged fathers in blazers and earphones,” she writes in the book) accompanied her to parties and classes and even lived in her dormitory hall. She often missed classes for lectures. In one week, she traveled to three countries for the Malala Fund and fell behind in her studies.
She “almost failed” her first year exams. Tutors have written to parents and staff explaining that they must refrain from traveling during the school year. She learned to ask for help and sought academic support. Little by little she was catching up.
She still felt the dilemma every time she chose school over activities. She also had financial concerns as she was the primary source of support for her parents and siblings.
“My tutor warned me that if I continued to fall behind in my studies, I might be kicked out of university. I was warned that if I failed the exam, I wouldn’t get a second chance. That was really scary,” Yousafzai says. “There was a constant argument that if I went, I could help so many millions of girls, I could free up resources. And of course, the world of advocacy is much more complex, one step at a time, but the impact could educate millions of girls in the future.”
Smoking marijuana helped Malala deal with her first Taliban attack
After flashbacks left Yousafzai suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, her university life took a different turn. Yousafzai said she was smoking marijuana in a bong with friends and thought it would be a night of laughing and chatting. Things then took a “sharp and dark turn”. She began to relive the Taliban shooting, remembering parts of that day that she thought were forgotten deep in her brain. For days she was afraid to sleep. Her friends were sleeping next to her on the floor of her dorm room.
“I thought I had forgotten about it. I couldn’t remember anything. And for those few hours, I was reliving it all. It was scary,” Yousafzai said. “We realized how much unresolved parts of this episode existed despite all the surgeries and all the treatments. But the mental health part of it was the missing piece that we hadn’t addressed before.”
Seven years after the attack, she was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. It gave her a new perspective on how mental health and education must work together, especially when working with students who grew up in active conflict zones.
Malala was unsure about marriage. What changed her mind?
Yousafzai thought dating was out of the question due to so many things going on in her life. She said the attack damaged nerves on her left side and made her feel insecure about her appearance and facial symmetry. There, she meets a completely unapproachable “mysterious” boy who is rumored to be a drug dealer on campus.
“I didn’t realize that I was attracted to bad guys,” Yousafzai quipped.
Friends warned her to stay away, but she insisted he had a good heart. When I quoted the dating adage, “I can fix him,” Yousafzai summed it up: “I can fix him.” It didn’t work out – he “ghosted” her – but it taught her that love can be part of her life too.
A few years later, Yousafzai met her husband, Assar Malik, through a friend while go-karting. She hit a wall in the cart and thought she had a concussion. He encouraged her to get back in the truck. He was funny and good-looking, she says. She initially agreed to help him find a girlfriend, secretly hoping she would be a candidate. The two had a loosely defined long-distance relationship while she was at university due to COVID-19 – he was in Pakistan, she was in England.
Although she knew this was a serious situation, she felt conflicted about the idea of marriage and rejected it.
“On the one hand, I held his hand, stay with me, I love you, don’t leave me. And on the other hand, I didn’t agree with the institution of marriage, because I saw girls being forced into marriage growing up, girls losing their dreams and education. I just couldn’t handle it,” Yousafzai says. “At the same time, we knew that marriage meant more compromises for women, even in developed countries.”
Like an honor student, she went into research mode. She consulted friends and her mother, who had an arranged marriage with Yousafzai’s father and had never attended school. She turned to famous writers.
“It was like, ‘Virginia Woolf, help me. Bell hooks, where are you? Give me a signal,'” Yousafzai says.
In the end, it was many conversations with Malik that changed her mind about marriage. He understood her concerns and told her he wanted to be with her “as long as she wanted.” They’ve been married for four years now, and she still calls him “that guy.” He introduced her to new hobbies such as weightlifting, running, golf and cricket. She enjoys some quiet time between her busy schedules, such as having meals together.
“Marriage is a beautiful relationship. It is a friendship, a strong bond between two people who love each other and bring more beauty to each other’s lives,” Yousafzai says. “I’m so grateful to have someone who cares about me. I also want to make his life more beautiful.”
Claire Mulroy is USA TODAY’s books reporter, covering hot releases, chatting with authors, and diving into reading culture. please find her on instagramsubscribe to our weekly magazine book newsletter Or tell her what you’re reading cmulroy@usatoday.com.
