This month, our twin boys (our only child) fly out of the shed and head to college. For the first time in 19 years, only the two of us and the 12-pound Maltese Shiz Tsau are rattling in our family homes.
The laughter and music that echoed through the walls are gone, and my wife and I enter a new uncertain phase in our lives. We become an empty nest.
Certainly, this is a rather harsh interpretation of what happens to empty nesting, but I hope we are well prepared. We have discussed our dreams for the future, unable to spend too much time, and have explored restaurants where pickle ball paddles were ordered. Still, it was hard to ignore the difficult finality that had creeped up over us for years. Empty nesting is a phrase that appears to be filled with heartache and fear.
With high school graduation approaching last May, I was able to feel the emotional knife twisted as my social media feed filled with nostalgic images from the first day of kindergarten alongside the final day of 12th grade. We have begun to transcend the imminent transition. My wife even explained the grocery store pain dagger when she finally bought a packet of brown paper lunch bags.
It feels like our boys arrived together yesterday. Ever since, we have been worried and wondering whether the boys are ready when it’s time for them to take off themselves. But then I began to wonder if the question should be “Are you ready?” instead. Are you ready to move from “parent” to “couple”?
I often think of my old London friend who raised five children over the course of about 25 years. When the last one left, she turned to her husband and asked for the first time in a quarter of a century, “So, how are you?”
We are clearly not the first generation to experience empty nests. This is a concept that was created in 1914 and reportedly became popular in the 1970s, but we may be the first generation to openly talk about it.
Former First Lady Michelle Obama recently discussed how she was using therapy for new stages of her life after “launching” her daughter. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay admitted that when his son went to college he was so sad when he went into his son’s bedroom and put on his underwear.
Ramsay’s sincere sincerity crushes the myth of the empty nest, where the mother is the only one who is emotional when the children leave. British author Celia Dodd, who recently updated his 2011 book, “The Empty Nest: How to Stay Near Your Adult Child,” said that while her father often appears to be dealing with the transition well, she may be struggling the most.
“I thought my husband was just a heartless asshole,” she recalled when her eldest son left the house. “He went, ‘It’s great, they’ll have a great time.’ In fact, he felt as sad as me.
Understanding how fathers are affected never minimizes attachment between mothers and children. This is a bond that (almost) forms within the uterus.
Other parents have told me to expect a lot of emotions, but certainly the most pressing thing was the feeling of loss in the weeks since departure. “When empty nestors talk about teenagers,” comedian Jim Gaffigan said, “It always sounds like they’re describing hurricanes. “My wife and I thought we were ready.
Madonna wasn’t that dramatic when she talked about her daughter Lourdes leaving, but she still compared it to losing her arm. Once you come to agree with it, there is an identity crisis that you often navigate.
As Dodd wrote in “The Empty Nest,” “It was clear to me that farewelling from a child, which has been the center of your life for 21 years, was a real big deal.
She said, “It’s the back of the emotional regulation of the earthquakes that new parents experience at the birth of their first baby. A return to a childless life is still a parent, but requires another massive readjustment of the world and your place.”
Since my parents’ generation, family life has been revolutionized. Dodd observes that many modern parents are closer to their children than their former parents. They are more involved in their lives, and some even want to be friends with them.
I am extremely proud of my sons, excited about their future, and as hard as letting go. We all recognize that it is important to change the dynamics of family relationships. They know that we are always here if we need us, but we are not going to check in every day to see how they are doing.
Perhaps the biggest concern is the increased divorce rate among empty nesting people. On my recent trip to London, some of my friends have rammed through a list of recently separated peers. It was an anecdote, but a few cases looked surprisingly expensive.
Why can even a seemingly solid couple come across problems when it’s just the two at home? “It’s hard to imagine what life will look like when you’re alone, and it’s natural to wonder what you’re talking about on earth,” Dodd wrote.
“One mother sums it up: “All of a sudden you’re alone, looking at each other and realising you haven’t paid much attention to each other in years.”
I want my kids to succeed and find their independence. The ultimate dream of a parent is to see our children soar. Similarly, I seem to recognize the voids that their departure produces. Our sons asked multiple times if they were okay when they were gone. This level of emotional maturity shows me that they do well on their own.
I’ve been thinking about this pressing transition for many years, so I’m no longer afraid of it. In fact, I’m learning to accept it. Thinking and preparation are important. Like the way you think, you should find a purpose rather than “fill in the hole.”
The intentional date night has already returned to the calendar and my wife is excited to devote her full time to her art career. My creative space is the garden and garden, so in the end the plants will pay my full attention and attention. Over the next few months, I bought tickets for ghost tours, shows, and even gigs in Canada. This seems very rock and roll.
The frequently cited translations that say that the symbol of China’s crisis means that both danger and opportunity are not completely accurate, choose to believe it at this stage in my life.
Our children aren’t the only ones who have gained their independence. We will rediscover it too.
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