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The first Father’s Day in America was celebrated in Washington on June 19, 1910.
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The term “mental load” is commonly used to describe the responsibilities that women and mothers often have for their families.
But what about the mental load that his father carries?
33-year-old Haven Weits explored the topic in an episode of the podcast “Haven!” 35 with her friend Nick Murenos.
“Yes, there are things that other partners may not carry,” he said in the May 5th episode. “We’re also expected among men who handle their own things and deal with their own problems.”
Accumulating over 53,000 views on Tiktok, the clip prompted some controversy in the comments section about the mental load of the father, whether it exists, and why men are not comfortable expressing it.
“Men use the same five chores as some kind of rebuttal to minimize work from home, while the majority of mothers also have jobs,” an Instagram user commented.
“What many women don’t get is the constant stress and fear of men constantly being below,” another user commented. “There’s no room to fail because if I fail, we all fail.”
Dr. Mill Brown, chief medical officer at Spring Health, a mental health platform, said there is no doubt that his father and man will carry his own version of mental load. And today’s fathers are more involved and involved with their children than their previous generation fathers, research shows. However, social pressure, lack of a male role model, and neglecting men’s mental health made it difficult for them to share their anxiety.
“My father is influenced by society, he’s tough, stoic, strong, and holds these feelings,” he said. “Just because dads don’t show any emotions as much as their mothers doesn’t mean that their emotions and stress aren’t present in their families.”
What does “father’s mental load” look like?
Haven’s mental load is usually made up of daily tasks, but her husband tends to think big.
Aaron Waits, 36, worries about long-term goals, including where families will live in five years, where children will go to school, and how they can financially support those goals.
“It’s not specific and sometimes it’s difficult to talk about,” he said.
He also carries the burden of how to keep his family safe in his where he lives in Los Angeles. He remembered that his father was doing the same thing and automatically assumed the role when he had children.
“Even if I’m hovering at the mall, I’m always keeping an eye on everyone,” Aaron said. “It’s not something I share, but it’s mostly innate. It’s a natural look as a dad.”
In addition to family work and financial security, Murenos said that part of his mental load is how he can better support his wife and offload some of her mental stress. He also worries that expressing his mental load would mistakenly negate his wife’s experiences and struggles.
“If they say, ‘Hey, I need help with what I have’ and your response is, ‘Look at what I have’ – it could be invalidated,’ he said. “That’s not the intention, but they don’t want to push down what their wife is expressing to them.”
Recognize the mental load of both partners
According to mental health experts, the new era of parenting creates a variety of pressures and challenges for both moms and dads. Parents tend to worry about income stability, financial issues, work performance, and tracking busy families.
“When you try to be a modern parent, you come with unique pressures, especially when compared to traditional social expectations for that role,” Brown said.
Couples can share the parenting load by having a shared calendar, setting up regular family meetings to coordinate tasks, and consistently sharing the responsibilities each partner is working on, he said.
Date nights and one-on-one times allowed Haven and Aaron to be more accepting of each other’s needs when sharing family responsibilities.
He hopes that more men can effectively communicate their needs, but Murenos hopes that both men and women can recognize the importance of understanding each other’s mental load.
“What I want is a conversation about mental load, generally, to continue and expand,” he said. “I don’t want my father to remain silent. I want them to give them transparency in their emotions, but I just want to see them moving forward with their families.”
Adrianna Rodriguez can visit adrodriguez@usatoday.com.